By Nathan Schmidt
In an alarming turn of events, Fairfield University students have discovered that the entire faculty of the history department has spontaneously transformed from living beings into inanimate stone statues. Analysis by university officials concludes that the petrification occurred approximately two weeks ago, but nobody was able to notice a shift in behavior until today, when a student went to an office hour meeting and realized she was talking to a lifeless piece of rock.
“I honestly just thought he was sleeping,” said a shaken and pale-faced Priscilla Gorgo ‘20, who visited her professor during his scheduled office hours to ask about the upcoming midterms. “I explained all my questions to him, but when he didn’t answer, I figured I’d just wait and check my phone until he snapped out of it. Eventually, I got kinda curious and took a closer look, and I realized he was made out of some kind of gray rock! And the worst part is, I’m pretty sure he’s still going to give me, like, a D on the test.”
It is unknown what exactly caused the history department to turn into literal stone objects simultaneously and at this time, when most of them have been working for the university probably ever since it was founded in 1942. Theories from students interviewed by Stagnation included that the professors are hibernating, that they got too into some academic journal about Medusa, and that they’ve actually been statues for years and everybody refused to notice. It is also unclear whether or if they will return from their lithic state, and what change it may have in the meantime on the quality of their lectures.
For the time being, all history classes are scheduled as normal, and students enrolled in history courses are expected to attend and maintain their usual performance. Any student considering taking this opportunity to draw on the history professors with chalk is discouraged from doing so, although the general consensus is that it would at least be a change of pace.
Stagnation 