Cocaine Dealer Takes Stag Bucks

By Alexis Shepard

There have been rumors of a dealer that only comes out during a full moon from the thicket across from Bannow that supplies the cleanest coke on this side of the Sound (I’ve got a friend on Long Island). But the dealer from the den now has a special offer just for Fairfield University students, he now takes Stagbucks! That’s right, all that money locked up in Fairfield Monopoly money can be exchanged for goods and services. And this good can service you and all your friends in messy lines off your beer-soaked, disgusting table you degenerate.

Think about it, you too can meet the man rolling up to the townhouses with a little stash of blow that you bought legally that your parents will never know about because the dealer also uses the name “The Stag” for his receipts. You and the broskis can get high off the powder without a care in the world. Now you may be worried about the fact that the brush is so close to the church and a blue light station. That is true, but remember how close it is to Bannow where all sort of chemicals and potential Walter Whites should give you some reassurance.

One of the members on our reporting team asked him why he wanted to risk the digital tracking of taking Stag Bucks when he could continue to use untraceable cash? His response was, “Well the market value for snow has decreased in the past few years as there are more suppliers than ever and more kids are doing drugs like weed or lean, not going into yeyo anymore. So I have to be as accommodating as possible if I want a good market share of Fairfield University distribution.”

Said member of the reporting team is an economics major and proceeded to exchange contact details with the dealer in order to improve his business strategy and where there might be inefficiencies in his market that he could take advantage of.

For more reports on the local economics of Fairfield University, this has been Stagnation.

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