By Nathan Schmidt
English professor Tobias Falconet was left in a dizzying existential crisis today after a student in his class began taking notes on a smartphone. Dr. Falconet, whose courses all include a strict zero-tolerance policy against the use of “I-Phones, smart phones, and all similar items” in class, entered into his lecture for a morning Texts & Contexts section, only to find that one of his front-row students had such a device on the desk and was tapping at it insistently.
“At first I thought she was texting her friends,” said Dr. Falconet, staring blankly out the window of his small office in Donnarumma Hall and avoiding any kind of eye contact with the interviewer. “But then when I went to take her phone away, she recoiled, aghast, telling me that she had … ‘forgotten her notebook,’ and that she was trying to take notes all the same … what has technology done? How is it possible? Notebooks are heavy, phones help you study… it’s as though Orwell wasn’t right enough. All hope is lost.”
The student in question, one Marianna Demetrios ‘22, was bemused and concerned by her professor’s reaction. In an interview outside her dorm building, she said, “It pretty much ended the class session. Mainly I was hoping I wouldn’t get in trouble, because I know what the syllabus says, but Professor Falconet just freaked the fuck out. He started pacing back and forth and, like, muttering about the end times, and then eventually he grabbed his briefcase and ran out of the room. So I guess I’m off the hook, maybe? Ask him if you see him, please, but I guess there’s a non-zero chance he’s fled the country by now.”
Marianna went on to add that a number of her friends have also had to use their phones for academic purposes in class, and that the effects on professors tend to be alarming.
“My roommate Elise [Lombardo ‘22] took out her phone in class once to access BlackBoard. I think it was like, a philosophy class or something. But the professor just flipped his shit. Went on a crazy thirty-minute rant about how technology was ruining the minds of the young. We kinda brushed it off ‘cause the professor was an adjunct and you know how crazy their lives are, but now with Professor Falconet? I think the faculty’s starting to lose it.”
Dr. Falconet was last seen frantically packing items from his office into a leather briefcase while talking to himself about the “end of education.” Any information on his current whereabouts should be forwarded to campus security immediately.
Stagnation 