By Andrew Schmidt
Fairfield University is now accepting turkeys as students in an effort to increase campus diversity. President Nemec’s office released an official statement this morning, stating, “Turkeys have long been an important part of our campus family. It is time for them to become students as well.”
The widespread consensus on this is confusion, as turkeys already have de facto control of campus. All it takes is a single angry turkey to divert an entire path of students. Therefore, it is conceivable that the turkeys could take the dorms or any classroom they wish.
“Who are we kidding?” said Jane Falstaff, ’20. “It would probably take just a handful of turkeys to completely disrupt a classroom by jumping around with their talons and gobbling, making learning impossible until we let them participate in class.”
Dr. Harriet Parker, ornithologist, was able to confirm this. “Due to advancements in transcendental logic and computerized turkey simulations, including a gobbles-per-second algorithm that I invented, we now can predict angry turkey behavior with a 99.8% degree of accuracy. It would take 4.183333 transcendental turkeys = X to take over a classroom.”
Upon investigating, it was confirmed that the turkeys have simply chosen not to take control this whole time.
“Just think – if 25 of us just charged into one of your buildings one day, is there anything you can do about it? No, there isn’t,” said Canisius Jim, local turkey. “Why would we want to live in the dorms, or go in the classrooms? It’s nicer outside, and we learn so much more. Just yesterday, I merely had to puff out my chest, gobble a little, and quickly waddle towards a pack of six students outside of Donnarumma, and they fled! I’m guessing by the time they circled around the building to the other entrance, they were already late for class. That’s the kind of learning experience you aren’t gonna get in a classroom.”
While Jim doesn’t think that the University’s attempt at diversity is fowl play, he does believe their efforts could be better spent elsewhere.
He said, “Turkeys have it great here. As far as diversity goes, Fairfield U should focus on animals that have traditionally felt excluded here – such as, say, geese, dogs, and human beings.”
Stagnation 