Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance

By Nathan Schmidt

In a scandalous turn of events, an investigative report discovered that Fairfield University’s entire revenue from tuition during the 2017-18 academic year has been directed towards lawn care on campus.

The reporter, who asked to remain anonymous but may be a particularly bored member of the Stagnation team, found the quietly unreleased financial summary from a source within the university administration, also anonymous. The summary showed the university’s tuition revenue of about 220 million dollars to be completely devoted to lawnmowers, leafblowers, hedge trimmers, chemical fertilizer, underpaid workers, and other goods and services specifically and solely dedicated to the grassy lawns decorating the campus.

At the outset of the report, most students had no idea that their hard-earned money, or often enough their parents’ hard-earned money, was being used to perfectly manicure every square inch of grass from Jogues Hall to the old Dolan School of Business. However, while the news was somewhat disappointing for students, it was also less than surprising, because the university’s lawns are under constant and active maintenance every single day of the year.

“I guess this isn’t really that big a shock,” said Christopher Xiang ‘20, who lives in Meditz Hall and frequently passes by workers riding lawnmowers on the way to and from class. “It’s what prospective students care about, right? I remember when I was on my first tour of campus, and the tour guide got on all fours and rubbed her face all over the lawn in the quad to show us how soft and velvety the grass was. I mean, it was kind of creepy at the time, but what are you gonna do? Business is business.”

Further investigative reports from Stagnation were temporarily tabled after the anonymous reporter attempted to use their success to open a personal column titled “Stagnestigation.”

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