By Nathan Schmidt
This week, in keeping with the new social distancing guidelines for the COVID-19 pandemic, the figures of the Examen statue on campus have moved six feet apart from each other. The twin statue, depicting two images of St. Ignatius facing each other at close distance, has stood in front of the Egan Chapel since 2011 without ever budging. But now with the threat of disease looming large, both figures have retreated backward and are eyeing each other from the edges of their pedestal.
Rev. Arnold Nelson contacted reporters from his fortified bunker in the Jesuit residence, speaking over video chat while aiming a large crossbow at the front door. “Every time the CDC puts out new guidelines, those two statues just keep following them. They’re impeccable. Last week I saw them both wearing N95 respirators. I’ve never seen such an immortal commitment to the Ignatian values of our institution.”
The incident of the respirators is not isolated. For example, a recent update indicated that airborne particles may be able to travel up to ten feet away, and the next morning, both statues had moved fully off the pedestal and were contemplating each other’s existence from the pavement on each end.
Resident student Joshua Herbilian ‘22 shouted out his Jogues Hall window to Stagnation reporters in between throwing his dorm furniture out of said window, “Their commitment to social distancing in the face of this pandemic is an inspiration to us all! If two pieces of inanimate stone can do it, why can’t we?”
At the time of writing, the dark Ignatius has moved all the way to outside Faber Hall, while the light Ignatius has moved to Dolan House.