Bad News: Fairfield University Ranked #272 Alphabetically

By Nathan Schmidt

This week, Fairfield-sponsored research revealed that the university is only 272nd nationwide in alphabetical order. The news came as a terrible blow, ruining Fairfield’s winning streak and putting its plans for academic growth into total disarray.

“This is unacceptable,” said an anonymous professor in an email distributed to the entire faculty. “Fairfield University was founded on the principle that we’re going to be number one at everything forever. We can’t very well put #272 on our promotional posters, can we?”

Most students on campus seemed to be mostly confused about the news, especially since many of them had not been aware that America has more than 200 or so colleges in the first place. Nevertheless, this event has become a crisis for campus administration, as it flies in the face of Fairfield’s competitive edge.

A contest for new names for the university is expected to be held in the coming months, with an emphasis on putting numbers or punctuation at the start of the name. In the meantime, the letter F has been removed, bringing the institution up to 4th place by turning it into Airfield University.

Should any planes try to land on campus, students are advised to take cover and hide behind their superior ranking.

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