Prep Kid Found Frozen in Stag Snack Bar

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf

Harrowing scene in the Stag this morning as it appears that a Fairfield Prep student has been petrified. Witnesses say that the high school freshman was standing in line to order his food when a female university student came in. The freshman looked at the girl and then he was suddenly “frozen in time,” one bystander said. He is stuck on his tip-toes, with his mouth open, and his hands pressed up against either side of his face. Some say that it resembles Edward Munch’s famous 1893 painting The Scream. 

His friends tried to snap him out of it by slinging a variety of mild insults at him. When it appeared that he would not come out of his trance, they called the authorities. DPS came and began to try everything, from snapping their fingers in his face to trying to thaw him out using the girl’s hair dryer. One DPS agent said that this is the worst case that he had ever seen and that it could take weeks or months to save this child.

This is not the first time such a thing has happened to a Prep student. Back in 2012, a group of boys were similarly stunned after they witnessed the women’s soccer team during their morning run. It took 72 hours and industrial heat fans to return the boys to their normal state. 

The all-boys Jesuit school has released a statement in response to this most recent incident saying that “We apologize for our students.” They went on to say that “they aren’t exposed to females and therefore cannot possibly act in any normal fashion when they come across one. You can’t expect much from them.”

Today’s frozen student had started school only six weeks prior to the incident. His friends and administrators said that he was adjusting well to the life of an isolated prep student and that he was really coming into his own. When asked where he wanted to go to college, he responded by saying Fairfield University. 

High hopes for someone who can’t even be in the same building as a female. 

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