Senior Expelled After Stepping on Grass Outside DSB

By Nathan Schmidt

Scandal has rocked Fairfield University after a senior student was summarily expelled for stepping on a patch of grass that no living being was meant to touch.

It happened in the blink of an eye. Pauling Halenmeyer ‘20 was leaving her 11 AM management class at the new Dolan School of Business, when she accidentally stumbled off the overcrowded sidewalk leading to the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, and placed a single foot on the grass lawn. She quickly recovered and resumed her path, but it was already too late.

Seconds later, two DPS officers intervened and immediately apprehended the hapless student, ushering her away to parts unknown without even a word spoken aloud. Her case was reviewed by the Dean of Students’ office later that afternoon, but by that point, Halenmeyer had already been expelled from Fairfield University and from the civilized world.

Associate Dean Jareth Indigo commented on the situation: “There are things at Fairfield that mere mortals were never meant to touch. The sanctity of the Dolan School of Business’ front lawn is front and center among those things. And if a single blade of grass were to stand out of line on that beautiful, verdant expanse, we as a university and as a living species would be forfeit.”

Luckily, there may be a path to redemption for Halenmeyer. While she cannot show her face on campus again, university faculty have expressed a willingness to administer her remaining courses online so she can complete her degree — on the condition that she uses her future employment to donate to Fairfield University’s lawn care.

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