Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”

By Pete Peterson

A community is on edge after the disappearance of a student from Fairfield University.  The student, a junior communications major named Jonathan O’Conner, vanished sometime Friday night after 9:45pm.  According to his roommate, who asked to remain anonymous, said that he last saw O’Conner in their dorms before going out.  There were about fifteen friends in their apartment on campus, preparing for the night by having some drinks together. Mr. O’Conner’s roommate said that he was very well-liked for “an ugly-ass dude”. 

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary for the junior Fairfield University student, according to close friends.  But one of the attendees at the “pregame”, as the students called their get together, said she witnessed something interesting.

“So we were just chilling, taking vodka shots out of paper cups, when John had this hilarious idea,” said the anonymous party-goer. “Johnny had just gotten an Alexa for his half birthday.  He wanted to try it out and was like ‘Yo, yo, watch this’ and then said ‘Alexa, Tell Bezos he’s a bald bitch!’”

The student then said that the Amazon product started flashing red and would not turn off even after they took the batteries out.  “It was wicked weird” said another one of the so-called “Massholes” who were at the party.

Both Campus Security and the Fairfield Police Department are still searching for Mr. O’Conner, but the chances of finding him decrease everyday.  There has not been any physical evidence found as all of the cameras on campus were turned off for a short period of time, between 10:10pm and 10:17pm on that Friday night.  The Fairfield Police Department did report an eyewitness account of a “creepy-looking bald dude flying through campus on a drone”, but this report has yet to be confirmed.

Stagnation is owned by Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos.

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