By Nathan Schmidt
This fall, Fairfield University’s history department has unveiled a brand-new program for students to learn to steal artifacts from ancient tombs. The battery of scaffolded courses, designed in light of the new revised core curriculum, will teach students to visit archaeological dig sites, sneak into sealed and locked spaces, and make off with priceless items to be sold on the black market.
“The opportunities for young followers of history to enrich themselves are now both intellectual and otherwise,” said Professor Markus von Rawling, who specializes in the study of the cities and world-ending weapons of ancient Mayan civilization. “With the new Raiders program, we can empower an entire generation of students to expand to international horizons, see the lost wonders of the world, and steal everything of value in them.”
The program, coordinated with the help of Fairfield’s Study Abroad office, is deliberately designed to appeal to students now that the core requirement for history courses has been reduced. In particular, it harkens back to the early days of modern Western archaeology, when European explorers took as they pleased from foreign sites for private collections and public museums alike. This method of unrepentant theft has been thought by professors to encourage profit-minded students to select more history courses voluntarily.
Rawling later added, “Why should the School of Business get all of the wealthy alumni donors, anyway?”
Professors are optimistic about student reception for the Raiders program. If the results this year are positive, the College of Arts and Sciences may introduce additional art elements by teaching students to manufacture forged historical artifacts from scratch.
Stagnation 