Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium After much confusion and discord between Philosophy and English faculty, both departments now have a new course that covers common ground: pataphysics. “I have to admit, I was just joking around when I suggested that,” said Professor Lazlo Gorman, a guest professor from Sacred Heart University, “I didn’t think you stag-smartasses … Continue reading Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

Student Tour Ambassador Hypes Up Fairfield’s Pokémon Go Scene

By Nathan Schmidt In the era of Covid-19, in-person tours of Fairfield campus are a thing of the past. But student tour ambassador Raymond Shampi ‘21 has found a new and revolutionary way to attract new prospective students online to Fairfield University: advertising the campus’ offerings in Pokémon Go. “There are so many more gyms … Continue reading Student Tour Ambassador Hypes Up Fairfield’s Pokémon Go Scene

Fairfield Temporary Ice Rink Rebranded as “State of the Art Ankle Workout”

By Rosemary Harper This semester Fairfield University has generously supplied the student body with a temporary 1 ½ month ice skating rink located on the Campion basketball courts. Because of budget and the time of year, the rink is obviously plastic with a lubricant coating on top. Unfortunately because the “ice” makes it nearly impossible … Continue reading Fairfield Temporary Ice Rink Rebranded as “State of the Art Ankle Workout”

SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches

By Nathan Schmidt My friends, we have made it. We have struck gold. Last week, Stagnation was approached by a talented SEO expert looking for work. Although their name is Kathy, we will keep them anonymous in this article. By revamping Stagnation’s website design and fixing our metadata using legitimate techniques, we have achieved the … Continue reading SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches

New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

By Marvin Irwin Last week, the university introduced a new method of having students line up to get their weekly COVID-19 tests. The approach is roughly modeled after the TSA Pre-check process at airports, except instead of TSA agents it’s G-Force, and instead of businessmen in Patagonia vests it’s college students in Canada Goose jackets. … Continue reading New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

By Nathan Schmidt An investigative report by Stagnation over the last six months has revealed economic ruination in Fairfield University’s black market for dry-erase markers. With students moving online for some or all of their classes, the once-thriving illicit trade for the Expo brand markers has become the latest casualty of the COVID-19 pandemic. The … Continue reading Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In

By Nathan Schmidt If you’re preparing for the fall 2021 semester, you may have your eye on some competitive courses. But how can you be sure to get into that perfect Anthropology for Dummies course when so many other students want the same thing? The answer is to ask the professor for a write-in. Follow … Continue reading Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In

The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year

By Pete Peterson Move over Nobu, there’s a new spot in town.  The Levee, best known for its wildly inefficient service, sloppy public makeouts between students, and food that tastes best after more than a few beers has recently been anointed with a new title: Fairfield’s first 3-star Michelin restaurant.  The announcement was made by … Continue reading The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year

FUSA Sustainability Initiative Plans to Remove Giant Pile of Burning Trash from Campus

By Nathan Schmidt On March 2nd, the FUSA Environmental Sustainability Meeting led to a wild success as students resolved to get rid of the giant pile of burning trash on Fairfield campus. The meeting, held over Zoom by concerned members of the student body, allowed many students to raise valid concerns about the university’s environmental … Continue reading FUSA Sustainability Initiative Plans to Remove Giant Pile of Burning Trash from Campus

Lucas The Stag Removed From Campus For Public Health

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REC-PLEX - Lucas The Stag, Fairfield University’s famous mascot was carted away by the Fairfield Public Health Department following an email concerning a possible new COVID-19 strain or new virus altogether. On Lucas’s Twitter, he tweeted that he was “spreading it all over campus,” and that “soon everyone [would] be positive.” … Continue reading Lucas The Stag Removed From Campus For Public Health