Coronacation: Quack Doctor Mistakes Vaccine for COVID-19 as Margarita Mix

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium As medical officials worked tirelessly, they were able to finally manufacture what everyone was waiting for: a vaccine for COVID-19. All were rejoicing at the fact that their progress of 4 months had finally paid off. As later reported, the officials held a small celebration for their achievement, only to discover … Continue reading Coronacation: Quack Doctor Mistakes Vaccine for COVID-19 as Margarita Mix

Coronacation: White House Asks For Its Covid-19 Response To Be Graded On Pass/Fail

By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump’s latest press briefing took a turn for the academic when he asked that his administration’s response to the Covid-19 pandemic be graded on a pass/fail basis. The news came as deaths from the virus exceeded 14,000 in the United States, and as outbreaks began growing rapidly in … Continue reading Coronacation: White House Asks For Its Covid-19 Response To Be Graded On Pass/Fail

Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE CAMPUS CENTER - University officials are left dumbfounded by the school's recent effort to aid the quarantine efforts. Their recipient, the Epstein Humanitarian Group, claimed that they had no need for canned goods and surgical masks. Upon investigating the group’s suggestion, it was discovered that the students’ efforts were mixed … Continue reading Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

Stagnation Writer Wins Coveted Journalism Award

By Pete Peterson It has been years in the making, but it has finally happened: a Stagnation writer has won an award.  Often overlooked due to its small size, Stagnation had zero nominations for major awards before this year.  But things are looking a little bit different after writer Pete Peterson was awarded the “Alex … Continue reading Stagnation Writer Wins Coveted Journalism Award

Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown

By Mike Wishart While the world remains on edge with the spread of the deadly coronavirus, the Fairfield University campus remains on lockdown due to a student saying that they have “Corona Virus.” The panic on campus all started this past Saturday night at a townhouse party around 10:45 p.m. Overhearing a conversation two other … Continue reading Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown

University Has Updated Its Privacy Policy, Bathroom Stalls and Curtains Removed

By Mike Wishart You may have seen a bit more of your neighbors than you planned in the past few days. That’s likely because the university has updated its privacy policy, and as a result all bathroom stalls, shower/window curtains, and doors on campus have been removed. In addition, surveillance cameras have been placed in … Continue reading University Has Updated Its Privacy Policy, Bathroom Stalls and Curtains Removed

University Study Finds That “It Do Be Like That Sometimes”

By Pete Peterson A new study released by a Fairfield University research team this past Monday has found concrete evidence that “It Do Be Like That Sometimes.”  This is after a controversial argument began years ago, when an epidemic broke out across the internet. Millions of users began discussing how “It be like that sometimes,” … Continue reading University Study Finds That “It Do Be Like That Sometimes”

PETA Enraged by Salmon Shorts

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf Campus PETA advocates gathered today in the Bellarmine Pond to protest the production and wearing of salmon shorts. The animal rights chapter says that millions of salmon are killed every year to produce the popular wardrobe staple. They said that salmon should be left alone in water to … Continue reading PETA Enraged by Salmon Shorts

2020 Democratic Primary Election to be decided by Hunger Games-Style Event

By Pete Peterson Is Bernie willing to die for Medicare For All?  He’ll have to be if he wants to win the Democratic Presidential nomination.  After the final Democratic Debate on Tuesday night, the Democratic National Convention has decided to reshape how it will choose their nominee for the presidential election in 2020.  Gone are … Continue reading 2020 Democratic Primary Election to be decided by Hunger Games-Style Event

Campus Trump Supporters Seek To Ban Transfer Students

By Spencer Irwin In an age where people are becoming increasingly hostile towards outsiders, the pristine campus of Fairfield University is no exception. A handful of demonstrators gathered around the stag statue on an otherwise beautiful Monday afternoon to push their anti-transfer student agenda. The air was so thick with irrational rage you could cut … Continue reading Campus Trump Supporters Seek To Ban Transfer Students