By Marvin Irwin
As I am sure you are aware of by now, in the COVID-infested wasteland with immaculately green grass that you know as Fairfield University, face coverings are required essentially any time you are outside of your living space. Whether or not this is followed is another story, but the rule implemented by the higher-ups has been critical to doing a mediocre job of keeping the virus in check.
As you take a stroll to your half-capacity classroom, you can see an abundance of masks on display. Surgical masks, showing a high level of care and seriousness to stopping the spread of COVID-19. Cloth masks, which show a commitment to public health while also showing your sense of style or interests. Masks hanging under your nose, which demonstrate that you’re a complete imbecile. But there is one genre of face covering that is favored most by the school’s premier class of citizen: the gaiter, worn only by the coolest of the cool.
But why is the gaiter so popular amongst the guys that men want to be like and women want to be with? To find out, I took to the streets of campus to talk with some experts. My investigation led me to junior Zak Y., who was sporting a gaiter covered in Yankee logos. So I asked the million dollar question. Why the gaiter?
“Dude, cause its kinda sick,” Zak told me, “I can just wear it around my neck and then pull it up when I have to. I look like a freakin outlaw cowboy with this thing on,” he continued while pulling the gaiter down in order to talk to me.
So the overall look of the neck gaiter makes it appealing seemed to be the sentiment held by many gaiter-wearers I spoke to. But there had to be something else to it. In order to get to the bottom of it, I would need to get inside the mind of a cool guy. They say you never really know a man until you walk a mile in his mud and vomit stained white Vans.
When my Barstool neck gaiter arrived, I put it on and instantly I could feel the cool coursing through my veins. So I started doing all the activities that cool guys specialize in. Started pounding Bud Lights, making out with chicks, watching The Wolf of Wall Street without picking up on any of the satire or warnings of the cost of hubris. I had become the cool guy, and all the while my trusty gaiter was with me, off my face and wrapped around my neck. Then it hit me, the gaiter’s value lies in its utility. How am I to chug brewskis or hook up with babes when I’ve got some dumb looking surgical mask on that makes me look like I care about “science”?
So in conclusion, the neck gaiter is dope and anyone that says otherwise is a nerd and actually believes in this hoax. Alright I gotta get going, picking up my new Tyler Herro Miami Heat jersey from the mailroom.
Stagnation 