By Nathan Schmidt Our first warning sign was when Professor Joely Kale tried to erase the whiteboard after her 8:00 AM session of English 11. The eraser succeeded only in slightly smudging her analysis of the human condition in popular culture. All evidence shows that the nameless troublemaker known only as the Poacher has preyed … Continue reading Mysterious Bandit Replaces All Whiteboard Markers with Sharpies
Tag: Nathan Schmidt
English Class Derailed When Students Can’t Spell “Debauchery”
By Nathan Schmidt This week, an upper-level English class descended into chaos after the professor discovered that none of her students could spell the word “debauchery.” The incident arose after a group activity involving writing on the whiteboard, where freshman Joel Hanesby wrote the word “dabosherie” in a description of the Greek god Dionysus. The … Continue reading English Class Derailed When Students Can’t Spell “Debauchery”
Inkwell Open Mic at Levee Derailed by Prep Student Attack
By Nathan Schmidt Last Friday, Fairfield’s creative writing magazine The Inkwell attempted to hold an open mic night at the Levee, only for it to be derailed by a swarm of Fairfield Prep students. The much-hyped event was expected to bring together students from The Inkwell and Performing for Change in a showcase of Fairfield’s … Continue reading Inkwell Open Mic at Levee Derailed by Prep Student Attack
Tully Staff Gives Up, Puts KFC Buckets by Ice Cream
By Nathan Schmidt Students were delighted, faculty were disappointed, and Sodexo was alarmed this week as Tully staff started putting empty KFC buckets at the ice cream station. Staff members were quoted saying things like, “Eat it! It’s what you want, you greasy little privileged pigs!” and, “I bet you’re going to just stick your … Continue reading Tully Staff Gives Up, Puts KFC Buckets by Ice Cream
Mysterious Bandit Leaves Tully Plate in Trash
By Nathan Schmidt The hunt is on, as Fairfield University reels from an unknown mystery bandit who left a Tully plate in the trash. The plate was found in a meeting room within the Egan School of Nursing and Health Studies, still bearing the label of the Tully Dining Hall on its face. At this … Continue reading Mysterious Bandit Leaves Tully Plate in Trash
Student Who Asked If There Was Homework Will Enter Witness Protection
By Nathan Schmidt In a bitter turn of events, Fairfield lost one of its best and brightest students to witness protection after she asked her professor if there was homework. The disastrous moment took place in a morning class of Intro to Microeconomics, under the adjunct professor Dr. Mellie Kranolin. Everyone was packing up for … Continue reading Student Who Asked If There Was Homework Will Enter Witness Protection
Bad News: Fairfield University Ranked #272 Alphabetically
By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield-sponsored research revealed that the university is only 272nd nationwide in alphabetical order. The news came as a terrible blow, ruining Fairfield’s winning streak and putting its plans for academic growth into total disarray. “This is unacceptable,” said an anonymous professor in an email distributed to the entire faculty. “Fairfield … Continue reading Bad News: Fairfield University Ranked #272 Alphabetically
500 Percent of Married Alumni Met at Fairfield University
By Nathan Schmidt Move aside, School of Business -- Fairfield’s greatest attraction is officially its Stagmates. This week, Fairfield proudly released its latest student alumni statistics, revealing that 500 percent of all married alumni first met at the university. Students who end up marrying one another, referred to by the powers that be as Stagmates, … Continue reading 500 Percent of Married Alumni Met at Fairfield University
Op-Ed: The Tully Has Betrayed Us
By Nathan Schmidt To Sodexo: This is an open letter to you, concerning the grievance inflicted on the student body and my own person this week. I believed in you. I believed in the food at the Tully. You promised the world to us when the dining hall was renovated. You delivered for such a … Continue reading Op-Ed: The Tully Has Betrayed Us
Riots Break Out After Dunkin’ Runs Out of Coffee
By Nathan Schmidt Calamity struck Fairfield University yesterday morning when all three campus locations of Dunkin’ ran out of coffee at the same time. The shortage first set in around 9:20 AM, when students were just getting out of bed and off to their classes. By 11:00, word had spread of the coffee failure, and … Continue reading Riots Break Out After Dunkin’ Runs Out of Coffee
Stagnation 