Student Who Asked If There Was Homework Will Enter Witness Protection

By Nathan Schmidt In a bitter turn of events, Fairfield lost one of its best and brightest students to witness protection after she asked her professor if there was homework. The disastrous moment took place in a morning class of Intro to Microeconomics, under the adjunct professor Dr. Mellie Kranolin. Everyone was packing up for … Continue reading Student Who Asked If There Was Homework Will Enter Witness Protection

With Halloween Approaching, University Advises Students To Dress Strictly As Their Own Race

By Mike Wishart The leaves are falling, there’s a slight chill in the air, and face paints of every skin tone are being purchased at your local Party City. Halloween is upon us. And whether you’re dressing up as a slutty Theodore Roosevelt or you were pranked into being a horse’s butt without a head, … Continue reading With Halloween Approaching, University Advises Students To Dress Strictly As Their Own Race

Bad News: Fairfield University Ranked #272 Alphabetically

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield-sponsored research revealed that the university is only 272nd nationwide in alphabetical order. The news came as a terrible blow, ruining Fairfield’s winning streak and putting its plans for academic growth into total disarray. “This is unacceptable,” said an anonymous professor in an email distributed to the entire faculty. “Fairfield … Continue reading Bad News: Fairfield University Ranked #272 Alphabetically

Prep Kid Found Frozen in Stag Snack Bar

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf Harrowing scene in the Stag this morning as it appears that a Fairfield Prep student has been petrified. Witnesses say that the high school freshman was standing in line to order his food when a female university student came in. The freshman looked at the girl and then … Continue reading Prep Kid Found Frozen in Stag Snack Bar

500 Percent of Married Alumni Met at Fairfield University

By Nathan Schmidt Move aside, School of Business -- Fairfield’s greatest attraction is officially its Stagmates. This week, Fairfield proudly released its latest student alumni statistics, revealing that 500 percent of all married alumni first met at the university. Students who end up marrying one another, referred to by the powers that be as Stagmates, … Continue reading 500 Percent of Married Alumni Met at Fairfield University

PETA Enraged by Salmon Shorts

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf Campus PETA advocates gathered today in the Bellarmine Pond to protest the production and wearing of salmon shorts. The animal rights chapter says that millions of salmon are killed every year to produce the popular wardrobe staple. They said that salmon should be left alone in water to … Continue reading PETA Enraged by Salmon Shorts

FUSA Senate Denies the Existence of Friday

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf Wednesday’s FUSA Senate meeting ended with a surprising result as they voted down a proposal to recognize the calendar day of Friday. In the unanimous vote, FUSA Senators said that “Since our decisions are the most important and our say is absolute we have the power to decide … Continue reading FUSA Senate Denies the Existence of Friday

Op-Ed: The Tully Has Betrayed Us

By Nathan Schmidt To Sodexo: This is an open letter to you, concerning the grievance inflicted on the student body and my own person this week. I believed in you. I believed in the food at the Tully. You promised the world to us when the dining hall was renovated. You delivered for such a … Continue reading Op-Ed: The Tully Has Betrayed Us

DPS Searching For Unlicensed Man Charging $30 For Fake Flu Shots

By Mike Wishart In an effort to keep the student population healthy as we approach the winter months, Fairfield University has offered flu shots in the Barone Campus Center on select afternoons throughout the fall, including this past Tuesday. But this time, things took a sudden turn for the worse. Being the forward thinking institution this … Continue reading DPS Searching For Unlicensed Man Charging $30 For Fake Flu Shots

Riots Break Out After Dunkin’ Runs Out of Coffee

By Nathan Schmidt Calamity struck Fairfield University yesterday morning when all three campus locations of Dunkin’ ran out of coffee at the same time. The shortage first set in around 9:20 AM, when students were just getting out of bed and off to their classes. By 11:00, word had spread of the coffee failure, and … Continue reading Riots Break Out After Dunkin’ Runs Out of Coffee