University Has Updated Its Privacy Policy, Bathroom Stalls and Curtains Removed

By Mike Wishart You may have seen a bit more of your neighbors than you planned in the past few days. That’s likely because the university has updated its privacy policy, and as a result all bathroom stalls, shower/window curtains, and doors on campus have been removed. In addition, surveillance cameras have been placed in … Continue reading University Has Updated Its Privacy Policy, Bathroom Stalls and Curtains Removed

University Outsources Management of Record-Breaking Snowfall to Students

By Rosemary Harper Last Tuesday, Fairfield encountered a massive blizzard that buried the entire northeastern region in snow for three days. Everything in town was shut down, thousands of homes lost power and road conditions were impossible. Winter storm Hades (named after the ancient Greek god of hell) was determined to be the worst storm … Continue reading University Outsources Management of Record-Breaking Snowfall to Students

Mr. Macabre’s Hall of Happiness – The Beauty of Nothing

Michael Atkins A new exhibit was opened in a new wing of Loyola Hall, dubbed “Mr. Macabre’s Hall of Happiness”. The contributor seems to have been under the name “Mason Macabre,” funding completely all of its construction. Given free admission for a review, I entered the hall with a positive fight. Entering the pitch-black painted … Continue reading Mr. Macabre’s Hall of Happiness – The Beauty of Nothing

Masked Prankster Drops Tide Pods into People’s Water Bottles

By Chase Galloway The laundry room is always total ass. There is always some dryer not working and like, 99 minutes racked up on it. And most of the washers either have a bunch of finished clothes just sitting there or a bunch of loose coins and other shit sitting in the back of the … Continue reading Masked Prankster Drops Tide Pods into People’s Water Bottles

University Study Finds That “It Do Be Like That Sometimes”

By Pete Peterson A new study released by a Fairfield University research team this past Monday has found concrete evidence that “It Do Be Like That Sometimes.” This is after a controversial argument began years ago, when an epidemic broke out across the internet. Millions of users began discussing how “It be like that sometimes,” … Continue reading University Study Finds That “It Do Be Like That Sometimes”

Fake Levee Decoy Built to Keep the Prep Kids Away

By Nathan Schmidt This spring, Fairfield University has announced plans to “reclaim the campus” by replacing the Levee snack bar with a fake decoy for Fairfield Prep students. The small building, located across Loyola Drive from the RecPlex, is traditionally ignored by the student body of Fairfield because of its overwhelmingly teenage clientele. And for … Continue reading Fake Levee Decoy Built to Keep the Prep Kids Away

Mysterious Bandit Replaces All Whiteboard Markers with Sharpies

By Nathan Schmidt Our first warning sign was when Professor Joely Kale tried to erase the whiteboard after her 8:00 AM session of English 11. The eraser succeeded only in slightly smudging her analysis of the human condition in popular culture. All evidence shows that the nameless troublemaker known only as the Poacher has preyed … Continue reading Mysterious Bandit Replaces All Whiteboard Markers with Sharpies

Fairfield University President Declares November “Shitty Beard Month”

By Alexis Shepard In the customary email blast to the Fairfield students, President Mark Nemec wished a Happy Thanksgiving and a happy break to one and all. But the extra almost postscript message that concluded the email was most unexpected to the journalists out there. He declared that November would unofficially be known as “Shitty … Continue reading Fairfield University President Declares November “Shitty Beard Month”

English Class Derailed When Students Can’t Spell “Debauchery”

By Nathan Schmidt This week, an upper-level English class descended into chaos after the professor discovered that none of her students could spell the word “debauchery.” The incident arose after a group activity involving writing on the whiteboard, where freshman Joel Hanesby wrote the word “dabosherie” in a description of the Greek god Dionysus. The … Continue reading English Class Derailed When Students Can’t Spell “Debauchery”

Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage

By Mike Wishart The Department of Public Safety and local law enforcement agencies have found the culprit of a string of recent break-ins to the Fairfield University Art Museum, and it is exactly who you would think it is. Shortly after midnight on Monday morning, DPS officers were staking out around Bellarmine Hall in an … Continue reading Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage