University Has Updated Its Privacy Policy, Bathroom Stalls and Curtains Removed

By Mike Wishart

You may have seen a bit more of your neighbors than you planned in the past few days. That’s likely because the university has updated its privacy policy, and as a result all bathroom stalls, shower/window curtains, and doors on campus have been removed. In addition, surveillance cameras have been placed in every bathroom, hallway, and room, something the prison Jeffrey Epstein was kept in should take notes on. This surprising development is a result of an email that was sent to all students last week.

The email, sent to the entire student body, had a subject line that read “We’ve updated our privacy policy.” The entire student population ignored the email, because such an email doesn’t warrant further investigation. If anybody had read the email, then they would have found that the new policy included the changes listed above and that not objecting equated to agreeing to the policy. 

Student reactions to the new policy have ranged everywhere from “disgusting” to “invasive” to “kinda hot.” There is speculation that the new policy will make it easier for university officials to spot wrongdoing. Others believe there are religious motivations to the policy, arguing that if you wouldn’t do something in front of other people, then you shouldn’t do it at all, because God is always watching. The University has yet to say anything further about the policy, and their silence is deafening, not unlike the silence of the federal government regarding the “suicide” of Jeffrey Epstein. 

Seriously?!? You expect us to believe that he killed himself under what should have been heavy surveillance? Or that the guards in charge of watching him just forgot that their only responsibility is to check on him periodically?? No cameras on this high-profile inmate at all times?? Or we can talk about the fact that his autopsy points toward homicide as the cause of death, not suicide??? This whole thing is an elaborate cover-up and we need to know by whom. Speaking of cover-up, that’s probably what you’re going to want to do with all the new surveillance around campus. 

So if you have an opinion on the university’s new privacy policy or have any information regarding the murder of Jeffrey Epstein, please contact Stagnation.  

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