DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Today, a new DPS officer stopped a food truck robbery involving two thieves dressed as Super Duper Weenie workers. His name? Robostag. “Stags up,” was all Robostag had to say as he slowly gave the stag signal with his metallic hands. Robostag walked into DPS, startling many except for the … Continue reading DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure

By Frederick Mercurium RecPlex- Officer Charles E. Cheez made an alarming disturbance as he proceeded to strip down in front of a medical professional. According to Cheez, he believed that the scheduled appointment was for an on-campus physical examination. Unfortunately for the other patients who were getting their COVID-19 tests, he was in plain view … Continue reading Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure

Crisis Hits Tully After Widespread Dry Mouth Caused by CBD Oil/Olive Oil Mix-Up

By Rosemary Harper Last Wednesday a senior chowing down in the Tully unknowingly sparked a widespread panic to all olive oil consumers. Stuart Gregstein ‘20 had brought his own bottle of CBD infused oil from home to sprinkle on his grilled cheese sandwich and popcorn chicken for “that extra punch of flavor only a good … Continue reading Crisis Hits Tully After Widespread Dry Mouth Caused by CBD Oil/Olive Oil Mix-Up

Crime Feat: Week of 10/8

Friday, 10/12 7:09 p.m.—A student was denied entry to Red Sea Madness due to being overly excited about the pep rally. 11:07 p.m.—Students walking to the townhouses were crossing the street on McInnes Road when a black SUV turned out of the BCC parking lot. One student screamed 'pay my tuition' and rammed themselves into … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 10/8

Crime Feat: Week of 10/1

Monday, 10/1 10:35 p.m.—DPS officers found a student had converted a papaya into a smoking device in Regis Hall. The student was referred to student conduct after a DPS officer asked how he did it and if it mattered what fruit he used. Thursday, 10/4 7:29 p.m.—A Fairfield Prep student went in LLBCC room 202 … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 10/1

Crime Feat: Week of 9/24

Tuesday, 9/25 2:25 p.m.—A student reported to DPS that his cocaine delivery was stolen from the mailroom. He reports that after receiving an email about his package and bringing his package slip to the mailroom, the mailroom personnel denied having received his delivery. All mailroom personnel are currently being questioned. Anyone with information is encouraged to … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 9/24

Crime Feat: Week of 1/29

Tuesday, 1/30 5:39 p.m.—The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Fairfield Edition: The Fire Department took its sweet-ass time getting to campus when The Tully truly, finally, actually set on fire. Friday, 2/2 3:06 a.m.—Public Safety was notified when two roommates in Jogues Hall got into a fight in the bathroom. When Public Safety officers arrived on … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 1/29

Crime Feat: Week of 1/22

Friday, 1/26 8:49 p.m.—A resident assistant in Campion Hall notified Public Safety after a group of students barricaded the bathroom door. Two public safety officers arrived, announced themselves, and were able to enter the bathroom. The floors were flooded, and DPS officers found clogged shower drains and ripped garbage bags so that students could make … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 1/22