Crime Feat: Week of 10/1

Monday, 10/1

10:35 p.m.—DPS officers found a student had converted a papaya into a smoking device in Regis Hall. The student was referred to student conduct after a DPS officer asked how he did it and if it mattered what fruit he used.

Thursday, 10/4

7:29 p.m.—A Fairfield Prep student went in LLBCC room 202 and witnessed horrors that he cannot begin to fathom. The student has been undergoing rehabilitation at Fairfield’s Counseling & Psychological Services. Signs have been posted around campus warning prep students to not enter places they’re not goddamn supposed to seriously GO HOME!!!! WHY ARE YOU ON CAMPUS AT 8 AT NIGHT!!!!!!

Friday, 10/5

9:10 p.m.—Because a majority of the student population left for Fall Break, one student who stayed decided to park sideways, taking up three spots in the Quick Center Parking Lot. He then took chalk and drew his own parking lines. A king.

11:48 p.m.—Students reported a suspicious male on the Quad trying to sell mushrooms. The individual was apprehended by DPS and Fairfield Police were notified. The individual was issued a Criminal Trespass Warning. No one is allowed to eat that fucking fungus anymore.

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