By Marvin Irwin As I am sure you are aware of by now, in the COVID-infested wasteland with immaculately green grass that you know as Fairfield University, face coverings are required essentially any time you are outside of your living space. Whether or not this is followed is another story, but the rule implemented by … Continue reading Gaiter? I Hardly Know Her!: Why are neck gaiters the mask of choice for cool guys?
Author: fairfieldstagnation
Professor Gets Away With Heist, Robbing the University of $100,000
By Mike Wishart Ladies and gentlemen. We as a collective community have been duped. One hundred thousand dollars were stolen right from under our noses. How was this done? How could somebody have taken such a large sum of money from our beloved university without anybody noticing? I know what you may be thinking. Were … Continue reading Professor Gets Away With Heist, Robbing the University of $100,000
Disaster Ensues After Campus Unveils Pumpkin Spice Hand Sanitizer
By Nathan Schmidt This week, a new crisis engulfed Fairfield University, completely overshadowing the COVID-19 pandemic: students drinking hand sanitizer because it is pumpkin spice-flavored. The specially flavored hand sanitizer was distributed to students starting last week, in an effort to “celebrate the fall season while staving off the apocalyptic death-plague,” in the words of … Continue reading Disaster Ensues After Campus Unveils Pumpkin Spice Hand Sanitizer
Op-Ed: Seeing Red; Why on Earth Is the Last COVID-19 Danger Level Purple?
By Mike Wishart This past weekend, after seeing a troubling and sudden rise in COVID-19 cases on campus, the University announced that we would be moving to Status Level Orange. This means that the RecPlex has closed, posing a serious threat to the #gains of the campus community. The Tully is now entirely grab-and- go, … Continue reading Op-Ed: Seeing Red; Why on Earth Is the Last COVID-19 Danger Level Purple?
Quarantined Students Attempt Escape, Accidentally Create Found Footage Film
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Fairfield University Media Center - DPS officers garbed in masks and hazmat suits rushed to the scene at the former Dolan School of Business. There, two students had passed out on the side lawn while another was found near a back exit knocked out near the stairwell. Investigating the students on … Continue reading Quarantined Students Attempt Escape, Accidentally Create Found Footage Film
Depression Levels Spike Among Juniors Since They Can’t Ask First Years “Who Do You Know Here?” At The Townhouses
By Pete Peterson There are some moments in life that are on your mind from the earliest you can remember. They’re like stepping stones to adulthood, all creating the path towards freedom. These moments bring joy, pride, and a newfound sense of confidence to all who experience them. They are the most pivotal moments of … Continue reading Depression Levels Spike Among Juniors Since They Can’t Ask First Years “Who Do You Know Here?” At The Townhouses
Study Reveals Turkey’s Beards are Reason for Their Brazen Nature
By Rosemary Harper Turkeys are a common sight around the Fairfield U campus. They are fearless and they don’t give a shit. You have probably wondered where this brazen nature of theirs comes from, as we at Stagnation have asked time and time again. Well folks, strap in and hold on to your hats because … Continue reading Study Reveals Turkey’s Beards are Reason for Their Brazen Nature
Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium THE LEVEE - Fairfield Prep student Josiah “Joey” Joseph made a startling discovery upon walking around the back of the Levy. An undead turkey had been limping around searching for any worms, only finding maggots that had dropped off its own body. “I was only looking for the bathroom,” said Joseph, … Continue reading Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground
Confused Students Stand in Looping Pathway for Two Hours
By Nathan Schmidt Today, in a freak accident of public safety design, over one hundred students unwittingly spent two hours standing in a marked pathway that looped back on itself. The pathway, marked with cordons and blue arrows like the others on campus, went on a complete clockwise circuit around the outside of the Barone … Continue reading Confused Students Stand in Looping Pathway for Two Hours
Fairfield University Claims that it is Actually Over-Reporting COVID-19 Cases
Pete Peterson Apparently, numbers do lie. Fairfield University has reported that 101 students on campus have tested positive for COVID-19 as of September 28th. There have been rumors floating around campus that the University is actually underreporting the number of cases in order to save face and continue to take students money, but administrators have … Continue reading Fairfield University Claims that it is Actually Over-Reporting COVID-19 Cases
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