Pete Peterson Apparently, numbers do lie. Fairfield University has reported that 101 students on campus have tested positive for COVID-19 as of September 28th. There have been rumors floating around campus that the University is actually underreporting the number of cases in order to save face and continue to take students money, but administrators have … Continue reading Fairfield University Claims that it is Actually Over-Reporting COVID-19 Cases
Tag: Pete Peterson
DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines
By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines
Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season
By Pete Peterson Fairfield, CT- After a contentious debate between students, athletes, the University, and God, Fairfield University has announced that it will in fact have a football season this year. With the MAAC canceling all sports due to the liberal Coronavirus hoax, the Stags will be heading ‘down under’ (the Mason-Dixon line) this season … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season
Stagnation Writer Wins Coveted Journalism Award
By Pete Peterson It has been years in the making, but it has finally happened: a Stagnation writer has won an award. Often overlooked due to its small size, Stagnation had zero nominations for major awards before this year. But things are looking a little bit different after writer Pete Peterson was awarded the “Alex … Continue reading Stagnation Writer Wins Coveted Journalism Award
Adult Sues Trix
By Pete Peterson “You wascally wabbit, Trix are for everyone!” This phrase may seem odd, but it is actually the new favorite protest of America’s newest political topic. Recently, the famed General Mills cereal Trix has come under fire for ageism as people began to fight back against what they claim is discrimination. One man … Continue reading Adult Sues Trix
University Study Finds That “It Do Be Like That Sometimes”
By Pete Peterson A new study released by a Fairfield University research team this past Monday has found concrete evidence that “It Do Be Like That Sometimes.” This is after a controversial argument began years ago, when an epidemic broke out across the internet. Millions of users began discussing how “It be like that sometimes,” … Continue reading University Study Finds That “It Do Be Like That Sometimes”
Scientists Discover Cure to 95% of Illnesses on College Campuses: “Wash Your Fucking Hands”
By Pete Peterson Wednesday- In a groundbreaking new study that experts have said may be more important than when the cure for polio was discovered, scientists have discovered a cure to over 95% of all illnesses on college campuses. The cure is still somewhat in the developmental stage, but the United States Surgeon General Mack … Continue reading Scientists Discover Cure to 95% of Illnesses on College Campuses: “Wash Your Fucking Hands”
2020 Democratic Primary Election to be decided by Hunger Games-Style Event
By Pete Peterson Is Bernie willing to die for Medicare For All? He’ll have to be if he wants to win the Democratic Presidential nomination. After the final Democratic Debate on Tuesday night, the Democratic National Convention has decided to reshape how it will choose their nominee for the presidential election in 2020. Gone are … Continue reading 2020 Democratic Primary Election to be decided by Hunger Games-Style Event
Pizzagate Redux: DPS Operation Busts Levee for Operating as Brothel
By Pete Peterson It turns out pizza wasn’t the only thing people were paying for at the Levee. On Saturday night, DPS and FBI raided the pizza place around 12:23am and took seven people into custody for operating a brothel. Only a few major injuries were reported. Those taken into custody include two owners/operators, the … Continue reading Pizzagate Redux: DPS Operation Busts Levee for Operating as Brothel
Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”
By Pete Peterson A community is on edge after the disappearance of a student from Fairfield University. The student, a junior communications major named Jonathan O’Conner, vanished sometime Friday night after 9:45pm. According to his roommate, who asked to remain anonymous, said that he last saw O'Conner in their dorms before going out. There were … Continue reading Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”
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