Adult Sues Trix

By Pete Peterson

“You wascally wabbit, Trix are for everyone!”  This phrase may seem odd, but it is actually the new favorite protest of America’s newest political topic.  Recently, the famed General Mills cereal Trix has come under fire for ageism as people began to fight back against what they claim is discrimination.  One man named Roger R. Abbot has filed a class action lawsuit against General Mills for its iconic slogan “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids”. 

Mr. Abbot, who hails from the Slickpoo, Idaho,* says he is tired of not being able to enjoy his favorite childhood cereal.  “Do you understand what it’s like to not be able to eat your favorite food, just because of your age? I’m 57 years old, kid, it’s been 39 years since I’ve had a bowl of them sweet, sweet fruit-shaped sugar puffs.”  When asked why he has not had the breakfast staple for 39 years, he responded with “What do you mean? Once you turn eighteen, you can’t have none of the cereal anymore. Those kids will keep taking it away from you. Haven’t you seen what happens to that rabbit on the TV?”

The lawsuit gained traction on Facebook after Mr. Abbot’s wife, Lola, posted a lengthy message asking for support from her friends and coworkers.  Retired naval veteran-turned-cereal entrepreneur Captain Crunch replied to Mrs. Abbot’s post, agreeing with the basis for the lawsuit. “This egregious law, discriminating against people for something that they simply cannot control, is simply outrageous,” said the World War II hero.  He then finished off his post with an inspiring message: “We must stay crunchy, even in milk!”  

While Mr. Abbot has support from a vast majority of old people, he is still battling against the youth in revolt of his revolt.  Tony T., a 16 year old from Santa Clara, California, had a strong opinion about the lawsuit: “What bruh? That boomer thinks he can’t eat cereal because he’s old?  Old people are weird. Like my grandpa keeps farting himself awake at dinner, and then he just goes back to sleep. Anyway, you tryna go smoke this jay with me?”

As it has continued to gain steam and support, the lawsuit has moved its way up the Appeals Court and is set to appear in front of the Supreme Court on April 12th.  Roger R. Abbot is hopeful that he will be able to change the country, fighting for what will likely be as impactful, if not more, than Brown v. Board of Education and Roe v. Wade combined.  Times two.

*This is a real location. 

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