By Nathan Schmidt
This week, the Tully dining hall was crawling with excitement as its Fairfield Signature Dinner came infested with stag beetles. The fearsome, pronged insects were found scuttling between the Salisbury steaks, wrestling over the roasted veggie platter, and posing for photos by the apple pie. But according to university officials, this terrifying turn of events was all part of the plan for the Fairfield U brand.
“We just realized we had the potential for more,” said James Patriopoulos, Fairfield’s official Sodexo liaison and unofficial black market consultant. “We’ve had a good baseline with our moldy blueberries, partially raw chicken and interpretively washed salads. But the real kicker was when we started finding live insects in the food. It was just caterpillars and small fry at first, but Sodexo is proud to unveil its Fairfield Signature Dinner with a pinch of Stag spirit.”
Stagnation reporters interviewed students from a lookout point in Donnarumma Hall, where the chaos in the Tully was visible through BCC’s west windows. One student, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “Hey, I’m Gordon Lavanthie, class of ‘21. I just wanted to say that I get where we’re going with the Stag branding, but this was even worse than that time they celebrated Stag spirit by serving us venison. I heard about this in advance, but I way underguessed how big a stag beetle is. I thought they were like an inch long. Nope. More like four. So, congrats to all my classmates who are going to have a beetle phobia for the rest of their lives.”
The dinner itself proceeded in suitably scary fashion, with students jumping from spot to spot on the floor avoiding the skittering bugs, while others struggled to access the hard-serve ice cream with beetle jaws nipping at their hands. Nevertheless, most students chose to have their dinner at the Tully instead of the Stag, after word got out that a gang of Fairfield Prep kids were hanging out there for a “sick burger party.” There is no doubt that the university student body has gotten its share of Stag spirit this week, not in the least because of the large number who proceeded to get drop-dead drunk afterward.
It is unclear what will become of the swarm of beetles now that the dinner is over, as several students were hospitalized from beetle bites and fifteen more have trekked all the way to the Health Center for food poisoning. Most likely, the event will be repeated next year when Fairfield U runs out of other ideas to make the school cafeteria experience feel festive.