By Nathan Schmidt Calamity beyond reckoning struck Fairfield University this week when the history department re-enacted the HBO hit series “Game of Thrones” using student volunteers. The event, which had originally been intended as a socially-distanced history lesson, quickly spiraled out of control with stabbings, poisonings and scheming across the entire campus. Already, ninety-nine have … Continue reading History Department Re-Enacts “Game of Thrones” — 99 Dead
First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President
By Rosemary Harper 2020 is full of unprecedented situations and circumstances- and we here at Fairfield University have just been smacked in the face with another one. As the molasses of the 2020 Presidential Election continues to take its sweet, sweet time, first year student Brett Jarrods '24 has decided to follow Donald Trump’s example … Continue reading First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President
Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading
By Marvin Irwin “Stop the count!” If you have said this phrase at some point during the past week or so, it is unlikely that you are able to read or pick up on satire. Since you are reading Stagnation, it is unlikely that this phrase is something you would have said. After Prisoner-Elect Donald … Continue reading Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading
University Announces “Ultra-Flexible” Course Model for Spring 2021
By Rosemary Harper This fall, Fairfield U has had to adapt its curriculum to the COVID-19 pandemic. As a result, we’ve had confusing new terms thrown at us this year like “hybrid,” “online,” and “the mute button,” which are much more difficult to understand than things from the peachy, virus-free days. As it has become … Continue reading University Announces “Ultra-Flexible” Course Model for Spring 2021
FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses
By Nathan Schmidt In the midst of the razor-thin margins of the 2020 presidential election, the Federal Election Commission has put into motion a new tie-breaking measure. Known as the “Seuss Test,” this measure consists of both candidates taking turns reading lines from Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s book Green Eggs and Ham, with the first … Continue reading FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses
Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium The Quad - Fairfield University is currently under fire for the death of Tom McCaw ‘23 in a rubber band duel. Many students on the scene were disturbed by the incident, although this did not stop the medical professionals from stifling a few giggles. Originally, McCaw had engaged in a duel … Continue reading Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death
Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One
By Pete Peterson As the upcoming election looms over our heads, the talk of both candidates' mental and physical health has been at the forefront of many people’s minds. After President Trump contracted the coronavirus, those talks increased exponentially. His health obviously deteriorated from the virus, so I think it’s time I say what everyone … Continue reading Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One
University Forced To Cancel Several Guest Lectures, Nobody Noticed
By Mike Wishart For those of us who haven’t been living under a Dwayne Johnson, the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic has had wide ranging implications for our day to day lives. Not only are mundane activities like attending school or work being interrupted, big events we used to look forward to like concerts and … Continue reading University Forced To Cancel Several Guest Lectures, Nobody Noticed
Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door
By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University has finally solved its issues with student diversity for all time. This week, campus officials unveiled a new commemorative monument, in the form of a brass plaque on the door of an all-gender restroom on the ground floor of Donnarumma Hall. The plaque reads, “No one saves us but ourselves. … Continue reading Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door
Uplifting Concert Held in COVID Testing Site; Compromises Entire University
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium McAuliffe - The entire university is held under quarantine following a surprise concert from none other than the Chicago-based heavy metal band Demented. Surprisingly, the group gave a motivational rendition of “Down With The Sickness” renamed as “Down With The Symptoms.” It served a great deal of positivity for the mass … Continue reading Uplifting Concert Held in COVID Testing Site; Compromises Entire University
Stagnation 