By Blume “Blame it on inflation.” This is what greeted us as we managed to find a professor who was willing to talk to us about rising prices at Fairfield University. Past attempts at talking to the financial offices were met with fierce resistance, administrators treating us as if we had the plague and only … Continue reading Fairfield’s Rising Prices Linked to Occult Conspiracy
Theatre Major Thinks TV is Beneath Them, Ends Up Fighting Desperate Film Major
By Willoughby Humphrey I was perusing through the Career Fair when I witnessed an engaging bout of discussion between what appeared to be a Theatre major and a Film, Television and Media Arts major. They were in a heated debate right next to a talent agency table. The agency was mainly looking for actors for … Continue reading Theatre Major Thinks TV is Beneath Them, Ends Up Fighting Desperate Film Major
Student Accidentally Calls Priest “Daddy” Instead of “Father”
By Mike Wishart Things took a turn for the kinky this past Sunday when a student made an unfortunate error while addressing one of the University’s priests. As the parishioners attending the 11 a.m. mass filed out of the chapel, they bid farewell to the priest leading the mass saying “Thank you, Father.” But one … Continue reading Student Accidentally Calls Priest “Daddy” Instead of “Father”
Op-Ed: I’m Sorry, But That Cupcake Is Not 60 Calories
By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University, like all Jesuit universities, bears a duty for truth and clarity. And that duty extends into the Tully. It’s bad enough to be given bright green steamed broccoli that turns out to be frozen and thawed nearly to mush. There is absolutely no excuse for labeling a Samoa cupcake as … Continue reading Op-Ed: I’m Sorry, But That Cupcake Is Not 60 Calories
Professor Believes He’s President Nixon
By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium During a lecture concerning the politics behind the Watergate scandal, Professor Bertrum Jarvis accidentally received a heavy blow to his head after slipping on a lecture flashcard. After receiving medical attention, Jarvis woke up giving a speech concerning how he was not a criminal, sporting an odd manner of speaking. As … Continue reading Professor Believes He’s President Nixon
FUSA Senate Overthrown by Dictatorship
By Nathan Schmidt The last FUSA Senate meeting, held just a week ago, may well go down as the last FUSA Senate meeting. What began as an ordinary evening of procedure and protocol ended in fire and zealotry, as the entire student government body was disbanded in favor of a one-man dictatorship. Nicholas Kyle Copenhagen … Continue reading FUSA Senate Overthrown by Dictatorship
Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown
By Mike Wishart While the world remains on edge with the spread of the deadly coronavirus, the Fairfield University campus remains on lockdown due to a student saying that they have “Corona Virus.” The panic on campus all started this past Saturday night at a townhouse party around 10:45 p.m. Overhearing a conversation two other … Continue reading Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown
Fairfield Archives Reveal When Regis, Loyola and Gonzaga Were Hot Spots on Campus
Who would’ve thought that there was once a time when Regis, Gonzaga and Loyola not only didn’t suck but also were considered the hot shit hangout spots for students. Far off were the days of old sticky carpets and floors, being outdone by buildings with air con and the occasional backflow in their communal bathrooms. … Continue reading Fairfield Archives Reveal When Regis, Loyola and Gonzaga Were Hot Spots on Campus
Fairfield-Themed Tully Food Infested by Stag Beetles
By Nathan Schmidt This week, the Tully dining hall was crawling with excitement as its Fairfield Signature Dinner came infested with stag beetles. The fearsome, pronged insects were found scuttling between the Salisbury steaks, wrestling over the roasted veggie platter, and posing for photos by the apple pie. But according to university officials, this terrifying … Continue reading Fairfield-Themed Tully Food Infested by Stag Beetles
Adult Sues Trix
By Pete Peterson “You wascally wabbit, Trix are for everyone!” This phrase may seem odd, but it is actually the new favorite protest of America’s newest political topic. Recently, the famed General Mills cereal Trix has come under fire for ageism as people began to fight back against what they claim is discrimination. One man … Continue reading Adult Sues Trix
Stagnation 