Fairfield’s Rising Prices Linked to Occult Conspiracy

By Blume 

“Blame it on inflation.” This is what greeted us as we managed to find a professor who was willing to talk to us about rising prices at Fairfield University. Past attempts at talking to the financial offices were met with fierce resistance, administrators treating us as if we had the plague and only whispering through the barricades they erected upon seeing us approaching. “There is no other logical reason for it.”

Professor Oil smiled and tried to distract us from the newly renovated room, each of the TVs having the same sign from the supposed (but never confirmed) sacrifice room in Res Life: “You Don’t See This.” When asked if the renovations may have something to do with the rising costs, Professor Oil quickly wiped grease from his forehead and waved his hands crazily. “Of course not!” Before anything else could be asked, we were shooed out of the room by an individual shrouded in darkness. 

We will not be giving up on this investigation, though. Several underbelly organizations on campus have reached out with different lights to shine on the rise of costs at the University. Though they can’t be named, all of these organizations made mention of the mysterious “You Don’t See This” room in off-handed comments neither confirming nor denying the room’s existence and its apparent ties to why prices are rising so dramatically. 

While trying to find out more about this room, one of our lead investigators on this case was taken from their dorm in Jogues. We have not been able to make contact with them since their disappearance but the University’s official statement is that the editor was rounded up in a “drug bust” within the building. 

Please keep Timothy Peel ’23 in your thoughts, we hope to hear from them soon. 

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