Fairfield’s Rising Prices Linked to Occult Conspiracy

By Blume “Blame it on inflation.” This is what greeted us as we managed to find a professor who was willing to talk to us about rising prices at Fairfield University. Past attempts at talking to the financial offices were met with fierce resistance, administrators treating us as if we had the plague and only … Continue reading Fairfield’s Rising Prices Linked to Occult Conspiracy

Theatre Major Thinks TV is Beneath Them, Ends Up Fighting Desperate Film Major

By Willoughby Humphrey I was perusing through the Career Fair when I witnessed an engaging bout of discussion between what appeared to be a Theatre major and a Film, Television and Media Arts major. They were in a heated debate right next to a talent agency table. The agency was mainly looking for actors for … Continue reading Theatre Major Thinks TV is Beneath Them, Ends Up Fighting Desperate Film Major

Student Accidentally Calls Priest “Daddy” Instead of “Father”

By Mike Wishart Things took a turn for the kinky this past Sunday when a student made an unfortunate error while addressing one of the University’s priests. As the parishioners attending the 11 a.m. mass filed out of the chapel, they bid farewell to the priest leading the mass saying “Thank you, Father.” But one … Continue reading Student Accidentally Calls Priest “Daddy” Instead of “Father”

Op-Ed: I’m Sorry, But That Cupcake Is Not 60 Calories

By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University, like all Jesuit universities, bears a duty for truth and clarity. And that duty extends into the Tully. It’s bad enough to be given bright green steamed broccoli that turns out to be frozen and thawed nearly to mush. There is absolutely no excuse for labeling a Samoa cupcake as … Continue reading Op-Ed: I’m Sorry, But That Cupcake Is Not 60 Calories

Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium During a lecture concerning the politics behind the Watergate scandal, Professor Bertrum Jarvis accidentally received a heavy blow to his head after slipping on a lecture flashcard. After receiving medical attention, Jarvis woke up giving a speech concerning how he was not a criminal, sporting an odd manner of speaking. As … Continue reading Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown

By Mike Wishart While the world remains on edge with the spread of the deadly coronavirus, the Fairfield University campus remains on lockdown due to a student saying that they have “Corona Virus.” The panic on campus all started this past Saturday night at a townhouse party around 10:45 p.m. Overhearing a conversation two other … Continue reading Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown

Fairfield Archives Reveal When Regis, Loyola and Gonzaga Were Hot Spots on Campus

Who would’ve thought that there was once a time when Regis, Gonzaga and Loyola not only didn’t suck but also were considered the hot shit hangout spots for students. Far off were the days of old sticky carpets and floors, being outdone by buildings with air con and the occasional backflow in their communal bathrooms. … Continue reading Fairfield Archives Reveal When Regis, Loyola and Gonzaga Were Hot Spots on Campus

Fairfield-Themed Tully Food Infested by Stag Beetles

By Nathan Schmidt This week, the Tully dining hall was crawling with excitement as its Fairfield Signature Dinner came infested with stag beetles. The fearsome, pronged insects were found scuttling between the Salisbury steaks, wrestling over the roasted veggie platter, and posing for photos by the apple pie. But according to university officials, this terrifying … Continue reading Fairfield-Themed Tully Food Infested by Stag Beetles

Fairfield Archives Department Reveals that the Circle Outside Donnarumma Hall Is not a Pool

By Willoughby Humphrey I was in the doldrums of the basement of the library and looking through the old archives of this fine, Jesuit institution, which I must say is hard to access in the compact stacks as it is difficult for me to twist and spin the handles to wind it open. I think … Continue reading Fairfield Archives Department Reveals that the Circle Outside Donnarumma Hall Is not a Pool

Tuition Now Includes Human Blood

By Nathan Schmidt This spring, Fairfield University has announced a new financial initiative entitled “Red Stag,” where students are required to pay a large volume of human blood to the school as part of their tuition. The initiative, inspired by mounting deficits of spiritual suffering at the university, will allow Fairfield students to understand the … Continue reading Tuition Now Includes Human Blood