By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium EGAN CHAPEL - Dr. Ivan Ron Butterfly of the Student Health Center swatted away numerous members of the Vatican arriving in Fairfield University after Yohelma Hewahn ‘22 was reported to have the fetus of Jesus Christ reborn. The news of this revelation came after a conference with parents over the university’s … Continue reading “Sex? That’s ridiculous,” Remarks Health Center Official; Also, Second Coming Confirmed From Pregnant Student
Tag: Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium The Quad - Fairfield University is currently under fire for the death of Tom McCaw ‘23 in a rubber band duel. Many students on the scene were disturbed by the incident, although this did not stop the medical professionals from stifling a few giggles. Originally, McCaw had engaged in a duel … Continue reading Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death
Uplifting Concert Held in COVID Testing Site; Compromises Entire University
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium McAuliffe - The entire university is held under quarantine following a surprise concert from none other than the Chicago-based heavy metal band Demented. Surprisingly, the group gave a motivational rendition of “Down With The Sickness” renamed as “Down With The Symptoms.” It served a great deal of positivity for the mass … Continue reading Uplifting Concert Held in COVID Testing Site; Compromises Entire University
Quarantined Students Attempt Escape, Accidentally Create Found Footage Film
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Fairfield University Media Center - DPS officers garbed in masks and hazmat suits rushed to the scene at the former Dolan School of Business. There, two students had passed out on the side lawn while another was found near a back exit knocked out near the stairwell. Investigating the students on … Continue reading Quarantined Students Attempt Escape, Accidentally Create Found Footage Film
Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium THE LEVEE - Fairfield Prep student Josiah “Joey” Joseph made a startling discovery upon walking around the back of the Levy. An undead turkey had been limping around searching for any worms, only finding maggots that had dropped off its own body. “I was only looking for the bathroom,” said Joseph, … Continue reading Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground
DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Today, a new DPS officer stopped a food truck robbery involving two thieves dressed as Super Duper Weenie workers. His name? Robostag. “Stags up,” was all Robostag had to say as he slowly gave the stag signal with his metallic hands. Robostag walked into DPS, startling many except for the … Continue reading DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag
Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Dr. Morris Reau stood by a battered door with marks indicating some sort of avian talons. His face was a screaming image of stress, tiredness, and some feeling of vengeance.“Goddamn turkeys,” said Reau as the custodians began to clean the broken bits of glass and brick off the ground. Reau … Continue reading Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled
Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure
By Frederick Mercurium RecPlex- Officer Charles E. Cheez made an alarming disturbance as he proceeded to strip down in front of a medical professional. According to Cheez, he believed that the scheduled appointment was for an on-campus physical examination. Unfortunately for the other patients who were getting their COVID-19 tests, he was in plain view … Continue reading Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure
Fairfield University Attempts Anime Brand; Accidentally Creates Hentai
By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium A decision by the FUSA Senate called for Fairfield University to better brand itself as an inclusive university by appealing to the Anime Club. Putting an art group to the task, they were instructed to making anime pieces centered on-campus life. Unfortunately, some students in the group decided to take extra … Continue reading Fairfield University Attempts Anime Brand; Accidentally Creates Hentai
Coronacation: Quack Doctor Mistakes Vaccine for COVID-19 as Margarita Mix
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium As medical officials worked tirelessly, they were able to finally manufacture what everyone was waiting for: a vaccine for COVID-19. All were rejoicing at the fact that their progress of 4 months had finally paid off. As later reported, the officials held a small celebration for their achievement, only to discover … Continue reading Coronacation: Quack Doctor Mistakes Vaccine for COVID-19 as Margarita Mix
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