DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

COVID-19 vs. 500 Years of Jesuit Tradition: What Will Stop Premarital Sex First?

By Marvin Irwin It is a battle as old as time. One that the Society of Jesus has struggled to finish for almost 500 years. And that conundrum is how to make these kids keep it in their pants. But before the Jesuits could deal the final death blow to the plague that is premarital … Continue reading COVID-19 vs. 500 Years of Jesuit Tradition: What Will Stop Premarital Sex First?

Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Dr. Morris Reau stood by a battered door with marks indicating some sort of avian talons. His face was a screaming image of stress, tiredness, and some feeling of vengeance.“Goddamn turkeys,” said Reau as the custodians began to clean the broken bits of glass and brick off the ground. Reau … Continue reading Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled

Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

By Pete Peterson Fairfield, CT- After a contentious debate between students, athletes, the University, and God, Fairfield University has announced that it will in fact have a football season this year. With the MAAC canceling all sports due to the liberal Coronavirus hoax, the Stags will be heading ‘down under’ (the Mason-Dixon line) this season … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

Fairfield’s Sodexo Webpage on Sustainability Broken Since Start of Semester

By Nathan Schmidt Since classes began more than two weeks ago, the campus website for Fairfield Dining Services has included a link to a nonexistent page on sustainability. The link is hidden in the ‘Explore’ tab, underneath ‘Dining Near Me’ and ‘My Meal Plan,’ both of which students have very little business opening this semester. … Continue reading Fairfield’s Sodexo Webpage on Sustainability Broken Since Start of Semester

Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure

By Frederick Mercurium RecPlex- Officer Charles E. Cheez made an alarming disturbance as he proceeded to strip down in front of a medical professional. According to Cheez, he believed that the scheduled appointment was for an on-campus physical examination. Unfortunately for the other patients who were getting their COVID-19 tests, he was in plain view … Continue reading Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure

Fairfield University Gets Into USA Today

By Nathan Schmidt After the rocky start to the semester, Fairfield University has scored a major publicity win: We have been included in a USA Today article! The article, which went online yesterday, contained a genuinely thoughtful contribution from campus writers about the student body’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. USA Today has accordingly given … Continue reading Fairfield University Gets Into USA Today

Professor Receives Small Metal Pin from University for Thirty Years of Teaching

By Nathan Schmidt This week, economics professor Dr. Laurel Homilan was rewarded for his thirtieth year of employment with a commemorative metal pin about the size of a quarter. The auspicious occasion comes at a time when faculty morale has been strained by the COVID-19 pandemic, and every coin-sized gesture from the administration counts to … Continue reading Professor Receives Small Metal Pin from University for Thirty Years of Teaching

With Start of Classes, “Coronacation” Paused For Three Weeks

By Nathan Schmidt Today, the academic year 2020-2021 has commenced, and with it, the phenomenon of online learning and offline partying known as “coronacation” has been halted for the next three weeks. The “Stags Come Home” initiative, championed by Fairfield officials, brought students back onto campus and into classrooms in the midst of the COVID-19 … Continue reading With Start of Classes, “Coronacation” Paused For Three Weeks

Coronacation: Fairfield Opens Zoom Meeting for All Students, Plays Tully Music

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield officials announced the creation of a new Zoom meeting entitled “Tully VR,” where students can mingle and dine together just like they would on campus. The Zoom meeting is set to run 24/7 indefinitely, and students may spend as long as they want logged in, provided that they are … Continue reading Coronacation: Fairfield Opens Zoom Meeting for All Students, Plays Tully Music