With Start of Classes, “Coronacation” Paused For Three Weeks

By Nathan Schmidt

Today, the academic year 2020-2021 has commenced, and with it, the phenomenon of online learning and offline partying known as “coronacation” has been halted for the next three weeks.

The “Stags Come Home” initiative, championed by Fairfield officials, brought students back onto campus and into classrooms in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. With a sophisticated and multilayered array of testing, social distancing and isolation, new teaching and dining locations, prayers to God, and strict mask-wearing, Fairfield University is ready to guarantee its students’ safety. This bulwark of defense will hold out as long as students obey the new precautions against the spread of the virus.

“It’s ambitious,” said Ashley Halloboris ‘21, a grizzled senior who has just moved into one of the campus apartments. “The freshmen are gonna fuck us all over.”

Ashley is not alone. Other students have expressed doubts that the initiative will work, with some opting for remote learning immediately. Recent news articles state that 8,700 cases of COVID-19 have appeared in college campuses across 36 states. Nevertheless, and despite the likelihood of Fairfield’s new system collapsing in on itself, the overall atmosphere on campus is upbeat and optimistic.

In an online interview with Stagnation reporters, campus wellness officer Sarina DeBrowkis said, “Here at Fairfield, our students are different. We’re not like those other schools that have had outbreaks from careless conduct. We’re not like Alabama University. Or like Dayton, Kansas State, Iowa State, Texas A&M, ECU, Auburn, Notre Dame, or the others, et cetera, et cetera. Our human errors are much more advanced.”

Although “coronacation” has been put on hold until campus life gets sufficiently apocalyptic, students have been cordially invited to enjoy the complete chaos of online living by avoiding absolutely everyone on campus outside the classroom.

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