By Rosemary Harper This semester Fairfield University has generously supplied the student body with a temporary 1 ½ month ice skating rink located on the Campion basketball courts. Because of budget and the time of year, the rink is obviously plastic with a lubricant coating on top. Unfortunately because the “ice” makes it nearly impossible … Continue reading Fairfield Temporary Ice Rink Rebranded as “State of the Art Ankle Workout”
Disney Announces New “Star Wars” Trilogy Directed by Tim Burton
By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium This week, Disney announced that director Tim Burton will be directing a remake of the original Star Wars trilogy. While fans remain rabid over this decision, many longtime Tim Burton fans are requesting numerous changes to better fit the roles such as Danny DeVito playing Darth Vader and Winona Ryder as … Continue reading Disney Announces New “Star Wars” Trilogy Directed by Tim Burton
SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches
By Nathan Schmidt My friends, we have made it. We have struck gold. Last week, Stagnation was approached by a talented SEO expert looking for work. Although their name is Kathy, we will keep them anonymous in this article. By revamping Stagnation’s website design and fixing our metadata using legitimate techniques, we have achieved the … Continue reading SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches
DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry
By Marvin Irwin To continue to pretend to crack down on COVID-19 guideline violations on campus, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it is expanding its ranks. One particular new recruit has captured the imagination of the campus community. Among the newest additions to the DPS forces is everyone’s favorite redhead from the … Continue reading DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry
Stagnation: BeefShake™ Edition
By Pete Peterson After a sweet pump at the gym, do you ever feel like there’s not enough time to get all of the essential nutrients in your system to maximize your gains? Cooking food takes too long, those fancy protein shakes are too expensive, and you can only eat so many raw eggs before … Continue reading Stagnation: BeefShake™ Edition
New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics
By Marvin Irwin Last week, the university introduced a new method of having students line up to get their weekly COVID-19 tests. The approach is roughly modeled after the TSA Pre-check process at airports, except instead of TSA agents it’s G-Force, and instead of businessmen in Patagonia vests it’s college students in Canada Goose jackets. … Continue reading New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics
Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers
By Nathan Schmidt An investigative report by Stagnation over the last six months has revealed economic ruination in Fairfield University’s black market for dry-erase markers. With students moving online for some or all of their classes, the once-thriving illicit trade for the Expo brand markers has become the latest casualty of the COVID-19 pandemic. The … Continue reading Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers
Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In
By Nathan Schmidt If you’re preparing for the fall 2021 semester, you may have your eye on some competitive courses. But how can you be sure to get into that perfect Anthropology for Dummies course when so many other students want the same thing? The answer is to ask the professor for a write-in. Follow … Continue reading Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In
Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal
By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Writers of the now-defunct “Lucas ‘N Me” project protest outside the Levee following an outrageous scandal that led to its cancellation. The scandal in question refers to pictures of Lucas the Stag involved with Chick-fil-A employee Justin Tymme with documents of unknown nature sprawled across a table at … Continue reading Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal
The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year
By Pete Peterson Move over Nobu, there’s a new spot in town. The Levee, best known for its wildly inefficient service, sloppy public makeouts between students, and food that tastes best after more than a few beers has recently been anointed with a new title: Fairfield’s first 3-star Michelin restaurant. The announcement was made by … Continue reading The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year
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