DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Today, a new DPS officer stopped a food truck robbery involving two thieves dressed as Super Duper Weenie workers. His name? Robostag. “Stags up,” was all Robostag had to say as he slowly gave the stag signal with his metallic hands. Robostag walked into DPS, startling many except for the … Continue reading DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

University Removes All Doors From Campus To Prevent Spread of Coronavirus

By Nathan Schmidt In light of rising cases of COVID-19 among students, Fairfield University officials have promoted safety by removing all doors from all buildings on campus. Since the virus spreads more easily in confined indoor spaces, it is thought that the new ventilation from the removed doors will make students safer no matter where … Continue reading University Removes All Doors From Campus To Prevent Spread of Coronavirus

How to Be a Titan of Industry: A Man Who Hasn’t Lost Hundreds of Millions of Dollars Shares His Tips and Tricks

By Michael Wishart This past weekend, the New York Times released a groundbreaking report regarding President Donald Trump’s tax returns. What the report showed was shocking, with the “Home Alone 2: Lost In New York” star paying just $750 in federal income tax in 2016 and 2017. Not only that, but Trump has lost $315 … Continue reading How to Be a Titan of Industry: A Man Who Hasn’t Lost Hundreds of Millions of Dollars Shares His Tips and Tricks

Students Petition to Normalize Celebrating Three-Quarter Birthdays

By April Griffin The COVID-19 quarantine has not made life easy for most. Citizens have had to deal with the loss of life's greatest moments. The toughest loss of all: birthdays. A group of students were especially affected by the inability to celebrate with their friends and families and wanted to take action. As life … Continue reading Students Petition to Normalize Celebrating Three-Quarter Birthdays

Curfew Moved to 12 Noon

By Rosemary Harper Like all other higher education institutions around the country, Fairfield U has been battling the COVID 19 pandemic. This semester, new and returning students were sensibly slapped with a wide range of COVID-safe guidelines to follow, ranging from mandatory mask wearing and social distancing to limiting the number of students allowed in … Continue reading Curfew Moved to 12 Noon

Fairfield Stag Statue Replaced by Man Statue with Antlers

By Nathan Schmidt Today, a years-long campaign of public art has finally come to fruition: Fairfield University’s iconic bronze stag statue has been replaced by a bronze statue of a man with antlers. The life-size statue, titled “The Shape of Humanity,” is in the exact same spot as the original. And already, students have grown … Continue reading Fairfield Stag Statue Replaced by Man Statue with Antlers

DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

COVID-19 vs. 500 Years of Jesuit Tradition: What Will Stop Premarital Sex First?

By Marvin Irwin It is a battle as old as time. One that the Society of Jesus has struggled to finish for almost 500 years. And that conundrum is how to make these kids keep it in their pants. But before the Jesuits could deal the final death blow to the plague that is premarital … Continue reading COVID-19 vs. 500 Years of Jesuit Tradition: What Will Stop Premarital Sex First?

Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Dr. Morris Reau stood by a battered door with marks indicating some sort of avian talons. His face was a screaming image of stress, tiredness, and some feeling of vengeance.“Goddamn turkeys,” said Reau as the custodians began to clean the broken bits of glass and brick off the ground. Reau … Continue reading Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled

The Legal Defense of Fairfield’s Oldest Offender

By Nathan Schmidt [This transcript has been obtained through a combination of public record and divination magic.] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for hearing me today. I come to you today not only as a lawyer, but as an ambassador of the human species. The facts of the case are not in … Continue reading The Legal Defense of Fairfield’s Oldest Offender