By Nathan Schmidt Scandal has rocked Fairfield University after a senior student was summarily expelled for stepping on a patch of grass that no living being was meant to touch. It happened in the blink of an eye. Pauling Halenmeyer ‘20 was leaving her 11 AM management class at the new Dolan School of Business, … Continue reading Senior Expelled After Stepping on Grass Outside DSB
Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”
By Pete Peterson A community is on edge after the disappearance of a student from Fairfield University. The student, a junior communications major named Jonathan O’Conner, vanished sometime Friday night after 9:45pm. According to his roommate, who asked to remain anonymous, said that he last saw O'Conner in their dorms before going out. There were … Continue reading Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”
Caddyshack Reboot Starring ONLY Shaquille O’Neal, “Caddy-Shaq” Begins Filming
By Mike Wishart With Hollywood’s reboot fever far from cooling, Warner Brothers has just announced a re-imagining of the 1980 comedy classic Caddyshack set to hit theaters in summer 2020 starring Shaquille O’Neal with M. Night Shyamalan attached to direct. “This is a project that’s very close to my heart, almost as close to my … Continue reading Caddyshack Reboot Starring ONLY Shaquille O’Neal, “Caddy-Shaq” Begins Filming
On Brand-New “Lucas Week,” All Students Must Dress as Campus Mascot
By Nathan Schmidt This week, campus officials announced an ambitious new plan to boost school spirit at Fairfield University by requiring all students to put on costumes of Lucas the Stag for one full week. The costumes, distributed by the Office of Residence Life, are designed to make every student literally be the mascot of … Continue reading On Brand-New “Lucas Week,” All Students Must Dress as Campus Mascot
Barnyard Manor Grand Opening and Christening Ruined by Celebratory Champagne Breaking
By Alexis Shepard Barnyard Manor had its grand opening on the 11th, with Manor members, faculty, FUSA, other students, and the token Jesuit priest in attendance. The crowd was awkwardly arranged in one of the driveways, and not in a packed group, but something closer to a Nike swoosh as most of the attendance tried … Continue reading Barnyard Manor Grand Opening and Christening Ruined by Celebratory Champagne Breaking
2020’s Hottest New Style: Communism
By Nathan Schmidt, For the Proletariat It’s a red-hot new year coming up, as Fairfield prepares itself for a revolutionary blast to the past with the new 2020 Communist style. Get ready for hammer-and-sickle-bearing hoodies, t-shirts and sneakers, all available at retailers near you for no price but your service to the motherland! The Communist … Continue reading 2020’s Hottest New Style: Communism
History Department Meets Revised Core By Creating Tomb-Raiding Program
By Nathan Schmidt This fall, Fairfield University’s history department has unveiled a brand-new program for students to learn to steal artifacts from ancient tombs. The battery of scaffolded courses, designed in light of the new revised core curriculum, will teach students to visit archaeological dig sites, sneak into sealed and locked spaces, and make off … Continue reading History Department Meets Revised Core By Creating Tomb-Raiding Program
Fairfield University Welcomes Class of 2023 with New Dragon-Slaying Curriculum
By Nathan Schmidt This fall, Fairfield University will proudly introduce its newest class of students to the most ground-breaking and innovative academic curriculum ever designed: dragon-slaying. The new battery of undergraduate courses, managed by the St. George Center for Magical Hunting, will focus on training students to embark on wild adventures through the countryside to … Continue reading Fairfield University Welcomes Class of 2023 with New Dragon-Slaying Curriculum
Report: 90% of Male Business Majors Cite “The Wolf of Wall Street” as Inspiration
By Mike Wishart Drugs. Prostitutes. Financial Fraud. The average person may hear these phrases and think of Martin Scorsese’s 2013 film “The Wolf of Wall Street.” But if a Dolan Business School student were to hear them, there is a chance they would picture their future. A campus study has found that a whopping 90% … Continue reading Report: 90% of Male Business Majors Cite “The Wolf of Wall Street” as Inspiration
FUSA Senators Flip Over Tables, Declare Anarchy
By Nathan Schmidt Last week, chaos descended on Fairfield University when the last FUSA senate meeting of the semester ended in literal anarchy. The assembled senators, who had come together one more time to determine the starting conditions of the next semester, quickly realized that this was their one chance to truly cut loose. And … Continue reading FUSA Senators Flip Over Tables, Declare Anarchy
Stagnation 