FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses

By Nathan Schmidt In the midst of the razor-thin margins of the 2020 presidential election, the Federal Election Commission has put into motion a new tie-breaking measure. Known as the “Seuss Test,” this measure consists of both candidates taking turns reading lines from Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s book Green Eggs and Ham, with the first … Continue reading FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses

Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One

By Pete Peterson As the upcoming election looms over our heads, the talk of both candidates' mental and physical health has been at the forefront of many people’s minds. After President Trump contracted the coronavirus, those talks increased exponentially. His health obviously deteriorated from the virus, so I think it’s time I say what everyone … Continue reading Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One

How to Be a Titan of Industry: A Man Who Hasn’t Lost Hundreds of Millions of Dollars Shares His Tips and Tricks

By Michael Wishart This past weekend, the New York Times released a groundbreaking report regarding President Donald Trump’s tax returns. What the report showed was shocking, with the “Home Alone 2: Lost In New York” star paying just $750 in federal income tax in 2016 and 2017. Not only that, but Trump has lost $315 … Continue reading How to Be a Titan of Industry: A Man Who Hasn’t Lost Hundreds of Millions of Dollars Shares His Tips and Tricks

DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

Fairfield University Gets Into USA Today

By Nathan Schmidt After the rocky start to the semester, Fairfield University has scored a major publicity win: We have been included in a USA Today article! The article, which went online yesterday, contained a genuinely thoughtful contribution from campus writers about the student body’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. USA Today has accordingly given … Continue reading Fairfield University Gets Into USA Today

Coronacation: Quack Doctor Mistakes Vaccine for COVID-19 as Margarita Mix

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium As medical officials worked tirelessly, they were able to finally manufacture what everyone was waiting for: a vaccine for COVID-19. All were rejoicing at the fact that their progress of 4 months had finally paid off. As later reported, the officials held a small celebration for their achievement, only to discover … Continue reading Coronacation: Quack Doctor Mistakes Vaccine for COVID-19 as Margarita Mix

Coronacation: White House Asks For Its Covid-19 Response To Be Graded On Pass/Fail

By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump’s latest press briefing took a turn for the academic when he asked that his administration’s response to the Covid-19 pandemic be graded on a pass/fail basis. The news came as deaths from the virus exceeded 14,000 in the United States, and as outbreaks began growing rapidly in … Continue reading Coronacation: White House Asks For Its Covid-19 Response To Be Graded On Pass/Fail

Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE CAMPUS CENTER - University officials are left dumbfounded by the school's recent effort to aid the quarantine efforts. Their recipient, the Epstein Humanitarian Group, claimed that they had no need for canned goods and surgical masks. Upon investigating the group’s suggestion, it was discovered that the students’ efforts were mixed … Continue reading Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

Stagnation Writer Wins Coveted Journalism Award

By Pete Peterson It has been years in the making, but it has finally happened: a Stagnation writer has won an award. Often overlooked due to its small size, Stagnation had zero nominations for major awards before this year. But things are looking a little bit different after writer Pete Peterson was awarded the “Alex … Continue reading Stagnation Writer Wins Coveted Journalism Award

Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown

By Mike Wishart While the world remains on edge with the spread of the deadly coronavirus, the Fairfield University campus remains on lockdown due to a student saying that they have “Corona Virus.” The panic on campus all started this past Saturday night at a townhouse party around 10:45 p.m. Overhearing a conversation two other … Continue reading Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown