Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag

By Michael Atkins This week, a flying barracuda suddenly crashed onto the court of Donnarumma Hall, unable to understand the waterless world we call “land”. As it flew into the trees and and benches, desperately seeking an exit, a stag casually approached the area. Sensing possible hostility, the barracuda went straight for its torso and … Continue reading Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag

Fairfield University Holds Stag Racing Tournament

By Michael Atkins At 9:55 am, racers from around the campus stood at the starting line. We had June Garth and her stag Heresy from Jogues, though the multiple scrabbles made us realize she had trouble trying to write Hershey. From Campion, the fabulous Craig Buckets and his stag Swashbucketeer made an odd appearance with … Continue reading Fairfield University Holds Stag Racing Tournament

Coked Up White Boys Exposé

By Alexis Shepard Fairfield University is well known for its Dolan School of Business and all the students that get to receive a prestigious education about the tenants of a successful business. There are classes about accounting, marketing, business law and ethics, business administration, and many more. But the one skill that seems to be … Continue reading Coked Up White Boys Exposé

Daylight Savings Time Causes Students to Somehow Miss Class on Sunday

By Nathan Schmidt For freshman student Clarissa Gordon, it began in a flash of pain. Like so many other students at Fairfield University, she woke up on Sunday to realize not only that Daylight Savings Time had begun, but that the one-hour shift forward had caused her to miss an important morning class. “Oh, shit,” … Continue reading Daylight Savings Time Causes Students to Somehow Miss Class on Sunday

Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield professor Wilson Schumacher spoke out about an earlier, better era when Jesuit institutions were held to a higher work ethic. The lengthy tirade took place shortly after the recent cancellation of classes on March 4th due to snowfall throughout the night before. Schumacher, who is a full professor in … Continue reading Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days

FUSA Senate Passes Resolution to Purchase Sound Block for Gavel

By Nathan Schmidt This morning, the Fairfield University Student Association announced in a campus-wide email that its senate has passed a resolution to purchase a sound block for their single gavel. The resolution, which came after several meetings’ worth of debates and procedures, will enable the FUSA speaker to strike the ceremonial wooden mallet against … Continue reading FUSA Senate Passes Resolution to Purchase Sound Block for Gavel

Stagnation Writers Stage Administrative Coup

By Brad Wilson At last week's Stagnation meeting, the four active members of Stagnation discussed the inactivity of our satirical newspaper. We also discussed staging a coup to overthrow the older e-board, which worked well because nobody on the older e-board was there. It was a very successful coup. We then agreed to abide to … Continue reading Stagnation Writers Stage Administrative Coup

Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus

By Nathan Schmidt In this year’s annual survey by the Office of Residence Life, students selected Donnarumma Hall as the most prison-like of all the buildings on campus. The vote came in an overwhelming landslide, with 92 percent of participating students singling out the building for its patently oppressive and generally unpleasant design. “I’m simultaneously … Continue reading Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus

Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully

By EEC Thomas, class of 2021, woke up feeling groggy before his 9:30 a.m. class on Monday morning, but when he arrived at the Tully Dining Hall for a quick bite, his eyes lit up and he knew it was going to be a great day. Why? Because at the “do-it-yourself” station, there were eggs. … Continue reading Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully

That Guy is Still in the Library

By Nathan Schmidt Students returning to Fairfield University for the spring semester were shocked to find that the mysterious guy from the end of last semester is still in the library. The middle-aged man, who has not spoken to anyone else in the library and seems oblivious to the existence of all other human beings, … Continue reading That Guy is Still in the Library