Campus Trump Supporters Seek To Ban Transfer Students

By Spencer Irwin In an age where people are becoming increasingly hostile towards outsiders, the pristine campus of Fairfield University is no exception. A handful of demonstrators gathered around the stag statue on an otherwise beautiful Monday afternoon to push their anti-transfer student agenda. The air was so thick with irrational rage you could cut … Continue reading Campus Trump Supporters Seek To Ban Transfer Students

FU Students Celebrate Sham Jam by Wearing Green and Getting Transported

By Chase Galloway It was coming up on St. Patrick's Day, and Fairfield University was going to celebrate the only way it knows how: by going to the beach regardless of the weather. The party was rocking, the music was loud, and the security guard was rolling his eyes at the kids sneaking down the … Continue reading FU Students Celebrate Sham Jam by Wearing Green and Getting Transported

Prepocalypse: Fiery Stag Appears in Sky as Teenagers Flood Campus

By Nathan Schmidt The end was nigh this week. On Thursday afternoon, terror gripped Fairfield University when the floodgates of Hell opened on campus, sending forth a dark, fiery and monstrous manifestation of Lucas the Stag upon the horizon. The dark creature’s silhouette reared over North Benson Road, flames emanating from its unholy antlers, and … Continue reading Prepocalypse: Fiery Stag Appears in Sky as Teenagers Flood Campus

As the Thermometer Hits 60°, Avoiding Human Interaction on Campus Becomes a Struggle

By Nathan Schmidt Amid the beauty and growing greenery of springtime, a deep sense of dread has settled over the students of Fairfield University. The daily high temperatures have reached about 60 degrees Fahrenheit, a comfortable level for time spent outdoors, and students now face a newfound pressure to actually interact with other human beings. … Continue reading As the Thermometer Hits 60°, Avoiding Human Interaction on Campus Becomes a Struggle

“Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Accused of Debauchery

By Nathan Schmidt Scandal erupted in the Barone Campus Center this week when students made allegations of debauchery against the statue of Pope Francis underneath the Tully Dining Commons. The so-called “talking statue,” meant to stimulate spiritual dialogue, features a large hollow base that students can insert handwritten notes into to help share their ideas. … Continue reading “Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Accused of Debauchery

Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag

By Michael Atkins This week, a flying barracuda suddenly crashed onto the court of Donnarumma Hall, unable to understand the waterless world we call “land”. As it flew into the trees and and benches, desperately seeking an exit, a stag casually approached the area. Sensing possible hostility, the barracuda went straight for its torso and … Continue reading Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag

Three Dead, Eighteen Injured in Deadly Three-Way Tour Group Collision

By Nathan Schmidt Tragedy struck Fairfield University on Friday afternoon when three Campus Tour groups physically ran straight into each other. The accident, which took place on the steps outside the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, began when two groups of prospective students and their parents were entangled in an attempt to leave and enter the building. A … Continue reading Three Dead, Eighteen Injured in Deadly Three-Way Tour Group Collision

Fairfield University Holds Stag Racing Tournament

By Michael Atkins At 9:55 am, racers from around the campus stood at the starting line. We had June Garth and her stag Heresy from Jogues, though the multiple scrabbles made us realize she had trouble trying to write Hershey. From Campion, the fabulous Craig Buckets and his stag Swashbucketeer made an odd appearance with … Continue reading Fairfield University Holds Stag Racing Tournament

Coked Up White Boys Exposé

By Alexis Shepard Fairfield University is well known for its Dolan School of Business and all the students that get to receive a prestigious education about the tenants of a successful business. There are classes about accounting, marketing, business law and ethics, business administration, and many more. But the one skill that seems to be … Continue reading Coked Up White Boys Exposé

Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz

By Michael Atkins This week, a Chemistry major student suddenly lifted into the air and passed onto the next realm of existence. Michael Verde '21 was, according to witnesses, “absolutely losing his mind.” He had apparently started tearing his shirt off fabric by fabric as he howled in Irish gibberish. When he received a notification … Continue reading Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz