By Nathan Schmidt
The end was nigh this week.
On Thursday afternoon, terror gripped Fairfield University when the floodgates of Hell opened on campus, sending forth a dark, fiery and monstrous manifestation of Lucas the Stag upon the horizon. The dark creature’s silhouette reared over North Benson Road, flames emanating from its unholy antlers, and it spoke:
“TODAY WE WELCOME THE STUDENTS OF FAIRFIELD PREPARATORY SCHOOL ON THEIR TOUR THROUGH CAMPUS. EVERYBODY ON BEST BEHAVIOR.”
Thus, a vast army of teenaged students in red and white began to pour out from the faraway doors of Xavier Hall. They came in an endless river down Loyola Drive, the earth quaking beneath the march of their designer sneakers. None could resist them, for the spirit of Fairfield had endowed them with the ability to walk through any hidden refuge of campus unscathed, even the off-limits areas of the Barone Campus Center. The hapless resident students of the university could only flee in abject terror, helpless against the fiery darkness of Lucas and his multitudinous minions.
The phenomenon lasted roughly through the afternoon, during which time the Fairfield Prep students rejoiced and asked many curious questions of undergrad students about resident life. All the while, Lucas the Stag gazed down upon Fairfield with an unforgiving eye, impassive in the face of the university students’ pleas for mercy. There was no hiding from the sea of pubescent testosterone and ill-advised attempts to be cool. There was only the bleak reality of the now.
Eventually, respite came after a seemingly timeless stretch of unknowable horror, when the Fairfield Prep students finally withdrew to the sanctuary of their hall. The hulking form of the stag on the horizon then slowly melted down into the abyss whence it had come, and the darkness that had swept over the sky soon faded away. At last, the crisis was over.
When asked for comment, Rev. Arnold Nelson of Campus Ministry stated, “Honestly, I got nothing. Sorry.”
At press time, Fairfield University’s administration was negotiating to prevent a lawsuit from the owners of the homes that Lucas’ four giant hooves had been standing on.
Stagnation 