FU Students Celebrate Sham Jam by Wearing Green and Getting Transported

By Chase Galloway

It was coming up on St. Patrick’s Day, and Fairfield University was going to celebrate the only way it knows how: by going to the beach regardless of the weather. The party was rocking, the music was loud, and the security guard was rolling his eyes at the kids sneaking down the other alleys to get to the beach.

When this writer got to the Point around 12:30, there was already one ambulance being loaded with a guy who had Bud Light cans in every conceivable pocket in his dad’s fishing vest. It wasn’t long before a few more ambulances showed up ready to take eager Fairfield students to the after-party at the hospital. They at least have anesthesia available for a half decent buzz.

The crowd began to grow and the two kegs that were hastily set up were quickly tapped as it was nothing but foam to the last drop. They at least made for good seats and Donkey Kong-like barrels to jump over if anyone felt confident in their sobriety. Can Jam frisbees were flying, hitting the participants about as much as the can. Spikeball balls were being thrown down until someone ruined it with a Bills Mafia-like piledriver. Some empty beer cans were washing up on the beach like a metaphor for the decay of the Long Island Sound.

The St. Patrick’s Day festivities were in full bloom too, aka wearing green and having some pretty generous ideas of having Irish heritage, and therefore it is okay to drink for the entire day. But maybe there was some real luck going on as at least some girls were seen later walking around campus barefoot, and there were not at any later reported cases of tetanus going around.

Overall, I think it was a good jam of shamrocks, if that is what the youth call it. Now you may be wondering why this article is out so late. It has nearly been a month since Sham Jam and even St. Patrick’s Day, and everyone has gone back to classes and getting ready for the jam of clams.

Well, truth be told, I got a bit too drunk at one of the parties, was left at the beach, and have just now finished being processed through Fairfield’s police system before the case was thrown out because of lack of evidence. I won’t go into details but it might have something to do with all those broken folding tables. But I digress, it’s good to be back writing for Stagnation and trying to kick this little drinking habit, woo-hoo!

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