Crime Feat: Week of 9/24

Tuesday, 9/25 2:25 p.m.—A student reported to DPS that his cocaine delivery was stolen from the mailroom. He reports that after receiving an email about his package and bringing his package slip to the mailroom, the mailroom personnel denied having received his delivery. All mailroom personnel are currently being questioned. Anyone with information is encouraged to … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 9/24

Flex Seal Products Bring Relief, but Mainly Chaos to the School of Engineering

By Connor O'Rourke The Flex Seal line of products has made its way to Fairfield, but the overarching question on students’ minds is, ‘does it fix everything?’ Well, according to Phil Swift, known for sawing boats in half and arbitrarily using chainsaws on innocent buckets, Flex Seal solves all problems. Engineering students, since the arrival … Continue reading Flex Seal Products Bring Relief, but Mainly Chaos to the School of Engineering

Lucas the Stag Bit Beyoncé

By Alyssa Vigorito Lucas the Stag has a long history of inappropriate behavior. He parades around the Tully and nearby areas, forcing unsuspecting students to take photos with him. His second skin, kept in the window of the Stag Store, commonly comes to life and attacks students, faculty and staff members. This legacy of lewd … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Bit Beyoncé

Accomplished Professor Foiled Yet Again by Youtube Autoplay

By Ellie Conklin FAIRFIELD, CT – “Good time management” and “full understanding of the medium” are two requirements for students’ midterm presentations in Dr. Sonya Gupta’s English class, but she has yet to master these skills herself. According to her students, Gupta wastes an extraordinary amount of class time attempting to conquer Youtube’s irritating autoplay … Continue reading Accomplished Professor Foiled Yet Again by Youtube Autoplay

Stags In the Stands Hemorrhages Money

By Zachary Quinones One of the organizations on campus that is supposed to appear at our home games is Stags in the Stands (SITS). Recently there have been reports suggesting that they are running low on funds after their most recent purchase for their members: invisibility cloaks. These cloaks, latent with new optically-active superlattices, have … Continue reading Stags In the Stands Hemorrhages Money

Swimmer Mistakes Dolan Pond for RecPlex Pool

By Amy Beth Following the near drowning incident due to the frigid temperatures of the Dolan Pond, swimmer Rebecca Fin agreed to sit for an interview with Stagnation. Stagnation: Thanks so much for taking the time to be with us today. Rebecca: It’s an honor to be here! S: Let’s begin, given that you are … Continue reading Swimmer Mistakes Dolan Pond for RecPlex Pool

“Straight Outta Campion” Says Student Who Has Never Left the Suburbs

By Gracianne Eldrenkamp FAIRFIELD, CT—Ever since undeclared business major and intramural lacrosse player, Chad Murphy ‘21 has arrived on campus, he has been doing his best to assimilate into the Fairfield University lifestyle. His wardrobe consists of exclusively Vineyard Vines long-sleeve shirts and Adidas slides. He’s worships Quentin Tarantino films, and he’s even earned the … Continue reading “Straight Outta Campion” Says Student Who Has Never Left the Suburbs

Cool Kids Abandon Tide Pods to Start Vaping Detergent

By Ellie Conklin Move over, Tide Pods! A new fad is all the rage at local high schools, and it combines all the things that Gen-Z loves—namely, unnecessary electronic versions of normal items and doing something incredibly dangerous for Instagram likes. That’s right—the kids are vaping liquid detergent. Jackson Carr, a junior on the Fairfield … Continue reading Cool Kids Abandon Tide Pods to Start Vaping Detergent

Breaking: Basketball Player Attends Class

By Amy Beth Multiple reports confirm that Jimmy Morrison, the star basketball player of the Fairfield Stags Men’s Division 1 team, attended English 101 in Canisius today at 11 a.m. One student could not believe how tall he was in real life. “I have only seen him on the court when I am in the … Continue reading Breaking: Basketball Player Attends Class

Open Season on Prep Students

By Sabina Dirienzo The Fairfield University Student Association (FUSA) announced today that open season has begun on students attending Fairfield Preparatory. The University's athletic teams have begun their organized hunting parties of prep students, with Fairfield Lacrosse being the first to bag a student. "He was only a freshman, though," said Fairfield lacrosse captain Jack … Continue reading Open Season on Prep Students