Stags In the Stands Hemorrhages Money

By Zachary Quinones

One of the organizations on campus that is supposed to appear at our home games is Stags in the Stands (SITS). Recently there have been reports suggesting that they are running low on funds after their most recent purchase for their members: invisibility cloaks. These cloaks, latent with new optically-active superlattices, have allowed them to appear to not be in the stands while also being in the stands. Fairfield University didn’t see them at the men’s and women’s LAX double header that kicked off the new season, but insider sources told Stagnation reporters that they were sitting there in their new cloaks. They are simply invisible. This major purchase has caused the funds for Stags in the Stands to dwindle into nothing. I mean, why would the Stags in the Stands miss the men’s and women’s LAX opening weekend double header? Why would they only appear to miss most home games? Its only because they are invisible and quiet at the games.

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