Pineapple Pizza: A Rant

By Trevor MacDonnell

There are only seven deadly sins because God didn’t really think that one needed to be stated. For the love of God don’t put pineapple on your pizza. I mean really, what kind of sick person does that? It’s an abomination.  

“I just really like the taste of sour pineapple with my cheese and sauce, that’s just my opinion.”  Well guess what, you’re wrong, and you should feel bad for being wrong.

Name one other fruit you put on pizza. What’s that, you can’t?  It’s almost as if pizza wasn’t meant to have fresh fruit put on it (and for you smartasses who said “oh a tomato is a fruit technically” when was the last time you bit into a ripe tomato like an apple or put a tomato in your fruit salad?). It might not be stated in the seven deadly sins, but there is a special place in hell for pineapple-pizza-eating-weirdos, and it’s right next to the psychos who pumpkin spice everything from salmon to sparkling water (yeah, that’s a thing…).

If Dante were around to see this, there’d be a tenth circle with everyone sitting around being force fed pumpkin spiced hawaiian pizza for eternity.  Now I’m not saying pineapple is a bad thing.  Pina coladas, 10/10.  There is a time and a place for pineapple just like any other fruit, but, like literally every other fruit, it does not belong on pizza. Stick with the socially acceptable toppings like heart stopping pepperoni or room clearing anchovies, but please, for the sake of your eternal soul, DO NOT PUT PINEAPPLE ON YOUR PIZZA. Your tastebuds will thank me now and your soul will thank me in the afterlife (assuming you’re not going to hell for unrelated reasons).

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