Flex Seal Products Bring Relief, but Mainly Chaos to the School of Engineering

By Connor O’Rourke

The Flex Seal line of products has made its way to Fairfield, but the overarching question on students’ minds is, ‘does it fix everything?’ Well, according to Phil Swift, known for sawing boats in half and arbitrarily using chainsaws on innocent buckets, Flex Seal solves all problems.

Engineering students, since the arrival of the next best thing since the invention of the internet and the wheel, have been using the product on everything. Whether it be building an aquatic vehicle or writing code, flex seal does it all.

“I sawed this computer in half and repaired it with only flex tape! Now that’s a lot of damage!” said Bob Robertson ‘20. “I was also taking a test for programming and found that flex seal really works. I sprayed my computer with the stuff and like magic, I got an A.”

Another student, Smitty Werben-Jagermanjensen ‘21, noted, “my grades were taking a turn for the worse before I discovered flex glue. Now that I have what can only be described as a miracle in a bottle, I don’t even have to worry about all that building when it comes to mechanics. Now I just slap some of that flex glue on there and everything works just fine.”

Professors in the School of Engineering, on the other hand, are not as pleased as many Engineering students are. For many professors, these ‘flex-tastic’ products mean that students no longer have to do any work or show up to their classes.

“If I ever see this Phil Swift guy, he better be wearing a lot of flex tape because I’m absolutely furious. All my students think this guy is a living legend,” said Dr. John Pepper, of the Computer Science department.

He continued, “we cannot let our school be rendered useless by this self-proclaimed prophet of the flex seal prophecy. His reign of evil must be stopped.”

As truck loads of the products come each day to campus, it looks as though the study of engineering will become a thing of the past. From planes, cars, and trains to basic home appliances and computers, everything can be made by just ‘flexin’.

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