Fairfield Rising Unveils Plan for Leslie C. Quick Space Elevator

By Nathan Schmidt

Today, Fairfield Rising officially announced plans to construct a state of the art space elevator on university property. Following the success of its numerous past and present projects, including the new Charles F. Dolan School of Business, 42 Langguth Hall, and the Egan School of Nursing and Health Studies, the capital campaign has ambitiously expanded its plans beyond the atmosphere of our planet.

The giant, fiberglass-constructed elevator, which is to extend 22,236 miles upward to a pressurized docking station in geostationary orbit, will be equipped with a stunning 360-degree panoramic window to view the curvature of the Earth during ascent, climate-controlled air conditioning and oxygen recycling, and onboard wi-fi at comparable speeds to the rest of campus.

“Our commitment to build the Leslie C. Quick Space Elevator is motivated by the same values of service and goodwill that we all learn at Fairfield University,” said Fairfield Rising spokesperson Howard ‘Spaceman’ Spiff during a live presentation in the DSB dining room, which was filled mainly by adult visitors to campus.

“By giving our students fast and easy access to lanes of outer space, we create opportunities offered by few other universities, such as the ability to connect to other Jesuit institutions across the globe via orbital spacecraft, and to use cutting-edge social media to share selfies taken in front of the North American continent,” he said.

Spiff also added that the elevator would give free priority access to the students of the School of Engineering, “because let’s face it, that’s where the real money is, now that we’ve gotten buildings down for business and nursing.”

At press time, Fairfield Rising analysts discovered that they had misplaced a decimal point when calculating their capital, and that the revised space elevator would instead take passengers 500 feet in the air before launching them in a general upward direction.

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