By Mike Wishart The following transcript comes from the journal of Fairfield University student Michael Wishart, as recovered by Fairfield University’s Department of Public Safety. WARNING: The following content may be disturbing to some readers. Friday, January 29th, 2021 Today my townhouse seems a lot bigger than it usually is, and my bed feels just … Continue reading Tales From Isolation: A Portrait of a Young Man On the Edge
Category: Campus Life
New Job Opening: Driving the COVID Cart
By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University's Department of Public Safety has recently posted a job opening for students to drive the cart that shuttles students to and from the old Dolan School of Business, where those with positive cases are quarantined for a 14-day period. All students are eligible to apply for this position, regardless of … Continue reading New Job Opening: Driving the COVID Cart
University Transfer Student Lost in America; Fairfield Staff Under Heavy Fire
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Barone Campus Center - The parents of would-be student Michael Varro continue contacting their son as Fairfield officials are in contact with the authorities of Fairfield, New York.“How could this Jesuit academy mess up a destination?” cried Mrs. Judy Varro as she continuously attempted to get into contact with her son. … Continue reading University Transfer Student Lost in America; Fairfield Staff Under Heavy Fire
Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice
By Pete Peterson If there is one person who could end racism forever, it’s the white guy who won Beat Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album at the Grammys with “Thrift Shop”. I know that, you know that, and Fairfield knows that, which is exactly why Macklemore was paid $22,000 to have a Q&A on … Continue reading Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice
Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Staff member Loretta Palms watched as DPS officers reprimanded the owners of food trucks that have recently proven to have sold contaminated food. This scandal occurred shortly after Move-In Day, as vendors such as Super Duper Weenie were witnessed to disregard basic health regulations. “It’s not fair,” Resident Ian Antoine … Continue reading Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It
Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library
By Nathan Schmidt The nightmare scenario has begun. In the wake of widespread quarantine and safety measures to protect against COVID-19, some of the turkeys on campus have taken it upon themselves to shelter in place until the crisis is over. Unfortunately, the building they have chosen for their quarantine is the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, which … Continue reading Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library
Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control
By Nathan Schmidt This week, a viral article originally published by the Fairfield Patch has made the rounds in social media, accusing the LiveSafe phone app of mind-controlling its users. The app, used by Fairfield University for self-diagnosis of COVID-19 symptoms, is said to compel users against their will to diagnose themselves as being clean … Continue reading Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control
Stagnation Bought Out By Dunkin Donuts; Rebranded as Staggin’ Nations
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Due to an issue with budgeting, Stagnation came close to shutting down this spring — and we would have, had it not been for the generous aid of Dunkin’ Donuts. Of course, this hasn’t been without some sort of repayment. Every article from here on out will include some form of … Continue reading Stagnation Bought Out By Dunkin Donuts; Rebranded as Staggin’ Nations
Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”
By Pete Peterson Money and drugs have caused another conundrum at Fairfield University, only this time cheap cocaine and dead hookers were not involved. This past weekend, two juniors were found with approximately a pound of marijuana in their townhouse. They were caught after a RA noticed the pungent odor of some dank ass indica … Continue reading Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”
New FYE Connect Event Announced: “Making Invisible Friends”
By Nathan Schmidt This spring, Fairfield University has announced a brand-new FYE Connect event consisting of making new invisible friends for oneself. The event, billed as a Zoom seminar for first-year students, will be held this Sunday from dawn to dusk by a rotating staff of lonely RAs who haven’t told anyone to stop making … Continue reading New FYE Connect Event Announced: “Making Invisible Friends”
Stagnation 