Two Students Have Sex on the Stag ;) DPS No-Likey

By Trevor MacDonnell Fairfield police are looking into an incident that occurred last night around 3:00 AM. The incident involved two students, one male, approximately 5’11, clean shaven, average looking, and one female, brunette, about 5’5 in height, out of his league in looks. The two students allegedly had relations 😉 in the middle … Continue reading Two Students Have Sex on the Stag 😉 DPS No-Likey

Fairfield Rising Unveils Plan for Leslie C. Quick Space Elevator

By Nathan Schmidt Today, Fairfield Rising officially announced plans to construct a state of the art space elevator on university property. Following the success of its numerous past and present projects, including the new Charles F. Dolan School of Business, 42 Langguth Hall, and the Egan School of Nursing and Health Studies, the capital campaign … Continue reading Fairfield Rising Unveils Plan for Leslie C. Quick Space Elevator

Dolan Hall Ghost Holds Up Vomiting Student’s Hair

By Katherine Klima A majority of college students will agree that one truly gets on a spiritual level with someone the moment they hold your hair back as you vomit into a toilet because you downed those extra six shots of tequila, even though they told you not to in the first place because you’re … Continue reading Dolan Hall Ghost Holds Up Vomiting Student’s Hair

Freshman Totally Has, Like, the Worst Roommate Ever

By Ellie Conklin Freshman year is hard for everyone but Kayla Simpkins, 18, is sure that she is suffering more than everyone else at Fairfield. Kayla, a nursing major from New Jersey, is slowly coming to terms with those age-old feelings of pent-up resentment and lack of much-needed alone time with which every upperclassman is … Continue reading Freshman Totally Has, Like, the Worst Roommate Ever

Breaking: The Tully Was Actually On Fire

By Katherine Klima FAIRFIELD, CT—The unthinkable happened when Fairfield University’s brand new cafeteria, the Tully, burnt to a crisp. “Normally we ignore the beeps,” said Doug Graves ‘21 in regards to the university’s consistent checks of the fire alarm. Fairfield University has always greatly cared about its students when it comes to fire safety. They … Continue reading Breaking: The Tully Was Actually On Fire

School-Wide Orgy Erupts When Condoms are Allowed on Campus

By Sam Millette After 75 long years of sexual tension amongst students, a massive school-wide orgy broke out when condoms began to be sold on campus. After being placed on the shelfs of the bookstore, all condom boxes were sold within minutes, much to the university’s surprise. This was closely followed by the massive orgy … Continue reading School-Wide Orgy Erupts When Condoms are Allowed on Campus

Fairfield Tops Diversity Rating

By Bill Sundae Jr. Fairfield University raised the standard for diversity once again, setting an example for all U.S. colleges to follow. Colleges Now, an academic journal that investigates college diversity across the nation, reported in its most recent issue that Fairfield University broke records for admitting a high volume of students from parts of … Continue reading Fairfield Tops Diversity Rating

Breaking: Basketball Player Attends Class

By Amy Beth Multiple reports confirm that Jimmy Morrison, the star basketball player of the Fairfield Stags Men’s Division 1 team, attended English 101 in Canisius today at 11 a.m. One student could not believe how tall he was in real life. “I have only seen him on the court when I am in the … Continue reading Breaking: Basketball Player Attends Class

Nursing Students Investigate Cause of Death of Five Turkeys

By Emma Unterkoefler Upon returning to campus on January 15, parents and students alike were startled by the turkeys laying on the pathways. Later reports confirmed a total of five turkeys died in a series of three days. The cause of death is currently being investigated by nursing students. It began when a first-year nursing … Continue reading Nursing Students Investigate Cause of Death of Five Turkeys

Area Man Continues to Wear Shorts Well into Winter to Affirm His Fragile Masculinity

By Ellie Conklin FAIRFIELD, CT — For Nick McKenzie, 19, the possibility of six more weeks of winter means nothing. The college sophomore continues to compete for an award that no one else is trying to win. McKenzie has been wearing the same pair of sweaty Reebok gym shorts for 28 weeks now, stopping only … Continue reading Area Man Continues to Wear Shorts Well into Winter to Affirm His Fragile Masculinity