Breaking: The Tully Was Actually On Fire

By Katherine Klima

FAIRFIELD, CT—The unthinkable happened when Fairfield University’s brand new cafeteria, the Tully, burnt to a crisp.

“Normally we ignore the beeps,” said Doug Graves ‘21 in regards to the university’s consistent checks of the fire alarm.

Fairfield University has always greatly cared about its students when it comes to fire safety. They care so much that they check the fire alarm at least twice a day.

“It took me and the boys some time to smell the smoke, but after we saw the dessert bar catch on fire, we knew it was trouble,” said Grave as he scratched soot off his chin.

Staff and students alike refused to believe the alarms to be true until flames actually started consuming the building. Even Fairfield University’s fire department didn’t show up due to the fact they believed it was just simply another checking of the system.

“We were only trying to save a few tax dollars for a bigger emergency,” said Bill Burns, police chief of the Fairfield Fire Department. “You never know when a real fire’s gonna occur.”

Despite the disastrous explosion, staff and students in the cafeteria were able to make it out just in time before the entire building burst into flames.

There was only one casualty of a local turkey who had gone flying into the building when he thought he saw his reflection in the burning glass. As for humans, only a few minor injuries of a stubbed toe and, miraculously, a paper cut had been reported.

“We won’t rest until we know who did this!” DPS officer Flint Sparks declared before running out to stop suspecting students from riding the stag.

So far public safety has confirmed the fire had been started in what seems to be the cramming of a cookie into the toaster oven. However, the investigation is still underway for the sole perpetrator of this fire.

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