School-Wide Orgy Erupts When Condoms are Allowed on Campus

By Sam Millette

After 75 long years of sexual tension amongst students, a massive school-wide orgy broke out when condoms began to be sold on campus. After being placed on the shelfs of the bookstore, all condom boxes were sold within minutes, much to the university’s surprise. This was closely followed by the massive orgy in the quad on the hill between Regis and Loyola Hall.

When asked, the faculty was greatly surprised that the sacred Jesuit values of the institution were being violated in such a public manor. When allowing condoms to be sold, it was under the pretenses of allowing students to be safe and healthy in their private lives.

Many students were pleased about the new opportunities that these condoms have given them.

“This orgy was bound to happen,” said Lucas Wendal ‘18. “We were just waiting for a safe way to perform it and now that we do, expect this to be the norm on campus.”

The Department of Public Safety has made many statements about “violations of public decency” amongst others and doesn’t encourage participation in these events. Nonetheless, they will continue forward.

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