Freshman Totally Has, Like, the Worst Roommate Ever

By Ellie Conklin

Freshman year is hard for everyone but Kayla Simpkins, 18, is sure that she is suffering more than everyone else at Fairfield.

Kayla, a nursing major from New Jersey, is slowly coming to terms with those age-old feelings of pent-up resentment and lack of much-needed alone time with which every upperclassman is familiar. Her randomly assigned roommate, Rebecca Volpe, is really starting to get on her nerves. “We were never best friends,” Kayla admits, “but things are, like, definitely getting worse.”

Upon moving into Regis Hall last September, Kayla was excited by the possibility of having a roomie that is also a BFF. “She had a poster of the cast of The Office, and I really liked her elephant tapestry, so I thought we were going to hit it off,” Kayla tells us. However, their relationship started to go south at Halloween, when Kayla, ironically dressed as a slutty nurse, drunkenly vomited in Rebecca’s trash can. “Rebecca was, like, really pissed at me, and I just didn’t get it. Like, it’s just a little puke, and I told her I would clean it after I got breakfast and went to the library,” Kayla explains, “but she wanted me to clean it right away, which was stupid. Like, I needed to go to the library. I’m a nursing major. I have work to do.”

This semester, Kayla’s problem with Rebecca is, quite simply, that Rebecca is occupying space. Kayla claims Rebecca is in their room at all hours of the day. “She never leaves,” Kayla complains. “I never get the room to myself, and that, like, really sucks because Brian, that guy I met at that townhouse party last night, told me he wanted to see my room.”

Rebecca declined to comment, but sources tell us she is planning to live with a friend in Loyola Hall next year. For now, Kayla is not planning on getting RA Katie involved.

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