By Emma Unterkoefler
Upon returning to campus on January 15, parents and students alike were startled by the turkeys laying on the pathways. Later reports confirmed a total of five turkeys died in a series of three days.
The cause of death is currently being investigated by nursing students.
It began when a first-year nursing student went as far as to give a turkey CPR. She told reporters, “I just passed my CPR certification class and saw this as the perfect opportunity. I was heading to the Tully for the first time this semester when I saw the turkey sprawled across the path.”
After several attempts, including mouth-to-mouth, the young student was not able to revive the turkey. The student was devastated after losing her first patient, but she really enjoyed the drumstick.
“I cannot believe Mr. Turkey is now in heaven,” said the student. “I have failed the turkey kingdom and myself. I miss hearing his gobbles at unearthly times and how he was able to barricade the path, making me late to class.”
This incident has caused the student to rethink her career choice.
Four other turkeys were found dead by other students and parents during move-in. However, their reactions were more similar to how one reacts to roadkill. “Ew!” “Gross!” “Thank God, that turkey was ruining the grass.” “I wonder whose car ran over this one…”
This nursing student, who opts to remain anonymous, was concerned about the cause of death. She pitched the idea to her professor and soon enough a small group of students began an autopsy.
The autopsy results are unofficial, but a source close to the story claims the cause of death is related to eating leftovers from the Tully. The source mentioned how there were scraps of hamburger buns and ice cream cones found near the carcasses. Moreover, the garbage bins chock-full of bagged wasted food had small holes in it, possibly created by a turkey beak. The official results await the signature of President Nemec; and until then, the surviving turkeys will be closely monitored and directed away from the Tully.
Regarding the turkeys’ untimely deaths from eating food from the Tully, one student is concerned that she, too, may die. Other students are more concerned about the sheer amount of waste created by the Tully.
Information about the memorial service can be found on OrgSync or by calling DPS.
Stagnation 